The Worst Month of Them All

My least favorite month has got to be February. It's not even a close contest. Sure January is pretty bad being cold and all, but at least it has New Year's Day. And the beginning of a new year always brings hope and anticipation. Hope for a good year and anticipation of the adventures in store for the next 12 months.

And what does February have to offer?

Nada.

No holidays no hope no anticipation nothing.

I dislike winter in general. The only part I like about it is that first day of snowfall, when the ground is covered in pure white snow and the world looks so calm. And then it gets old really fast. The melting snow seeping into my shoes, the cold brittle wind on my face, feeling lethargic constantly because it's cold outside, not being able to enjoy the outdoors......... etc. etc. etc.

It all starts in November. From the minute I first start wearing jackets, I silently wait for the day when I can pull out all my summer clothes again. By the time February comes along, it's just too much. Too much waiting. I get so sick and tired of it all. Staying indoors all the time is such a drag.

February depresses me the most. It's the month when I start second-guessing what I'm doing and where I'm at. A time when I feel like I need to get away from it all, uproot myself and go somewhere where everything's new and unknown and exciting.

It was in February that I applied to Drake because I was quite unhappy at Grinnell. Of course there were logical reasons for wanting to transfer to Drake (more exposure to actuarial science bla bla bla), but honestly I just wanted a change of scenery.

Thankfully, the good thing about February is it's the shortest month. When March arrives and the weather starts warming up, I forget all about my depression in February and promptly launch into spring mode. Spring is wonderful. It makes me so happy. In March, I forgot all about my application to Drake and loved being in Grinnell. There's nothing like that first day where it's warm enough to not wear a jacket. I just want to walk everywhere that day. It doesn't matter how far or how many other things I should be doing, there's no staying indoors that day.

In the end I did transfer to Drake. It was a good decision but I've always missed the experience I could have gotten if I stayed. I'm sure I wouldn't end up where I am now if I finished my college years at Grinnell.

So I'm hoping this February will go by as quickly as it can. I'm feeling the effects of February syndrome already and it sure isn't fun. Please March hurry up before I do something rash.

Back again! (Maybe)

Whoa it's been soooooooo long.. a year has almost gone by.

No inspiration to write yet, but I will.. someday.. when I feel like it.. not like anyone reads it anyway..

I just read my friend's blog.. it's been 10 years since she left her home.. she wrote a short chronicle of what happened in the last 10 years.. very interesting.. especially her school years.. I was mentioned in it too AND quoted :D :D :D

Let's see.. it's been almost 8 years for me.. I went to Singapore in January 2001.. I still remember that day very clearly..

But too lazy to write story now.. maybe later.

Night.

不语的等待

我还能说什么

当初答应不变是你

如今默默离去亦是你

曾有雨天为我取暖

曾经孤独有你陪伴

曾经快乐共同分享

曾经一起想着未来

但我的未来或许

就只能想着曾经

已从错愕转为接受

虽然惋惜但我明白

是不平衡的关系

缩短永远的期限

你的付出

没有相对的回报

被宠坏当成自然

过了线的对待

归类为太热情

固执认为

有些事不会变

天真以为

有些话说了就真

知道有些地方出错

告诉我该如何挽回

装着没事

我太了解

你若选择离去

永远说不出口

而我

我还能说什么

My Spring @ Louisville

In the preceding months that I went missing, I..

Thunder-ed Over Louisville.

Ran with the Roses at the Kentucky Derby.

Ate some of the best sushi I ever tasted.

Won and lost at Texas Hold'em.

Ambushed and got ambushed while playing Laser Tag.

Went underground literally in the Mammoth Caves.

Tried Equadorian Ethiopian cuisine for the first time.

Putted a hole-in-one and a triple bogey in Miniature Golf.

Thought my arm was going to break after just 2 rounds of bowling.

Cooked my first few Malaysian dishes since I came to Louisville.

Settled for playing Wii Sports as "exercise".

Found a good place to eat Bibimbap with raw egg.

Watched more movies than I ever did during my 3 years in Iowa.

Joined the circle of life via the Lion King musical.

Picked up phrases from a Chinese dialect.

Ordered take-out from all the major fast food chains.

Felt bad for not updating my blog. Really.

Wolfed down home-made quesadillas.

Picked peaches and hand-fed an alpaca at Huber's Farm.

Wore jeans to work for an entire month.

Attended my own "temporarily-going-away" party hosted by my colleague.

Learned that "one and one is two".

What a wonderful spring. :)

Pool Night

I want to play pool!!! Pronto!!!

A bunch of us went to play pool last night. My colleague recommended this place called Oliver's Billiards. Seriously cheap. $1/hour for each person. It was very smoky, though. Then again, most of the pool places are smoky.

Haven't played in almost half a year. Love the game, still can't play consistently though. For some reason, I just can't seem to get straight shots. Sometimes I can do really hard shots, like when I have to "super-slice" the ball. Remember how I got the black ball in at Olmsted, Jack? Hehe, I remember someone saying he'll "pai" if I got it in wer. :P Left-hander team rocks!

While playing last night, I suddenly recalled someone teaching me how to play pool a few years back. I remember how patient you were. How you made me do the same shot over and over again until I got it in at least twice. How you wouldn't let me give up. I remember when it was my turn, you would watch me shoot to make sure I got the right angle. You would pay attention to me and not at the other tables. I hope someday we'll have a chance to play again.

Oops, went a bit off track and nostalgic there. So yeah, now I have this craving to play again. Have to bug people to go play with me soon.

________________________________________________________

刚读了几片张小娴写的短文，是表姐寄给我的。

其中有一篇正好说出了我的感受。

我发现我留了一些他的习惯。

这并不出奇我知道。

会玩Poker是他教我的。

喜欢打Pool是让他培养出来的。不过上面提到的人不是他。我说让他培养，但不是他教得最好的。

爱听的音乐种类是被他影响的。

我从曾经在我生命中路过的人学来很多生活习惯、爱好。

为何偏爱喝Vodka？因为一个曾经认识的男孩。

为何偏爱喝Vodka掺Cranberry？因为一个失去联络的朋友。

为何喜欢读张小娴的短文？因为一个中学时代的华文老师。

也从曾经在我生命中路过的人，知道什么习惯、作风我是永远也不想有的。

爱情变质了，决不要拖拖拉拉。把自己藏在房里，搞得颓废不堪，又能如何？

还没尝试就先放弃、做不到不会好好检讨还要怨别人，对不起，我要说一句：看不起！

你进了我的世界，到底会留下什么样的脚印？

我拭目以待。

A Walking Contradiction

I think you can pretty much ignore all my announcements.

When I say I'm going to do (or not do) something, I'll usually contradict myself sooner or later.

Remember when I said that a particular blog will be my last about something?
The next day, I immediately wrote another blog related to that something.

Remember when I said I want to go home ASAP?
Now I'm having so much fun, I don't think I will anymore.

Remember when I said I want to work in a place that's warm all year round?
Look where I ended up. And loving every minute of it.

Remember when I said I won't blog until next Wednesday?
Well well what am I doing now?

Remember when I said I don't want you to come bursting my bubbles?
I think I'm on the verge of bursting them myself.

Obsessively thinking about three things.

Can't stop talking about two.

And listening to the same song over and over again.



I know this blog didn't make a lot of sense.

Oh well.

Looking Back Looking Ahead

Let's talk about 2006.

I wrote a letter to Santa in 2005 as a recap of the year, but this Christmas I decided not to write to Santa anymore. Didn't have any wishes to ask. Besides, I'm getting too old to write to Santa.

2006.. hmm.. lots of "first"s in that year.

It started off with a bang. Literally. I spent New Year's eve in Las Vegas with my gorgeous roommie. Who's off to Europe right now looking for Parisian hunks. I hope she's successful, cause she has promised to bring home one for me. Keke.

Oops digressed a bit there.

2006 was a year of change. I changed from "student" to "actuarial analyst". Can't sleep in just because I feel like it anymore. No more homework or assignments. No more eating in Hubbell. Have to dress up properly everyday. Have to act professional.

I moved from Des Moines to Louisville. All alone. A little scary but quite liberating as well. I'm finally living alone after 5 years of dorm life. I love having roommates though. Miss all my roommies.

I visited a few places. The Grand Canyon, House on the Rock (Wisconsin), Disney World! (Orlando), and St Louis (Missouri). Had a lot of fun.

I went home finally after almost 3 years. So many things changed but so many things didn't change as well. I ate a lot of good food, met all my cousins and friends and relived the 'mamak' experience. Which made me feel that the best place to be is still home. Even if the quality of life is supposedly not as good, even if I don't earn as much there, home will always be home.

And 2006 ended with another bang. A different kind. After a little more than 5 years, I'm now single, available but not desperate. Yet. Keke. Back to where I began, but older and wiser. It's been a good journey, and I'm ready for a new chapter in my life.

I left last year with a lot of questions and some confusion. This year, I might not get all the answers I want, but I will do my best to search for them.

I spent last year doing all the things that I thought I should do, whether I want to or not. I started things with my heart, but let my head overrule everything. This year I'm going to follow my heart, and do what I really really want.

Last year I spent too much time studying and working. This year I want to pay more attention to my family (including my cousins) and friends.

If 2006 was a transition year, I want 2007 to be a year of self-discovery. It's going to be all about the me inside. :)

Insomnia

I can't sleep.

It's past my bedtime and I can't sleep. There are too many thoughts swirling in my head. I feel that chill coming back to me and there's an empty feeling inside my heart again. I'm drinking a glass of milk now because somebody told me that milk helps to induce sleep. I hope it does.

I just realized that there's nobody I can talk to right now. Almost everyone has gone somewhere. To Europe, to Hong Kong, or back home. My friends in Malaysia or Singapore are working, and my mum's out somewhere. Noone that I want to talk to is available.

I miss talking to you. There's no pretending about it. I've been talking to you for so many years, it's already a habit. And you know what they say about habits. Easy to pick up, tough to drop. How true. I've been trying to stop biting my nails for 4 years and I still haven't completely stopped.

So there's no way I can stop just like this right now. After all, this 'habit' was learned over 5 years. Yes, I know we are still friends and we don't have to stop talking. But what I mean is, I don't have to care the way I used to. I don't have to ask about some things anymore. Yet it's hard to distinguish that fine line between caring as a friend and as a lover.

The hardest part is recognizing that some things will never happen again. Some places I'll never go. Some stuff I'll never do. Are we supposed to forget them? Or just store them in a corner of our minds and never talk about those memories again? I don't understand. Am I allowed to fondly reminisce? Or is that a sign that I haven't moved on?

I do want to talk to you. Like friends who have grown older and wiser with each other's company. I want to go back to how it was before it all began, but with greater understanding and more inside jokes. And I hope that when life picks up its pace again, we'll keep in touch.

I think the milk has worked its magic. I'm off to bed.

My Goals: Revisited

Guess what I found in my old blog? My lifetime goals as of March 2005!

In my lifetime, I want to...

• learn Russian, Spanish, Japanese and any other language that I can
• travel the world, especially Greece, Argentina, the Caribbean islands and France
• learn how to dance... properly
• have enough free time everyday
• find my soul-mates
• love someone with all my heart
• have someone who loves me with all his heart
• have a career but not let it rule my life (this cannot be a 9-to-5 job!)
• meet people from different places and different cultures
• have an interesting story to tell my grand-kids when I become a cool grandma :P

Haha cool grandma? Can't even imagine being a 'ma' yet. I've been thinking... I don't think I wanna have kids. It's a big responsibility you know. And I don't know if I can handle that, feels kinda scary. True, I think babies are absolutely adorable, at least the cute ones are adorable lah. If I have a baby, he will definitely be cute... because his parents are good-looking mah. :P Btw it has to be a 'he' since there can be only one girl in his dad's life. Hah!

Ok now everybody is going to think that I actually want to have a baby. NO NO NO.

I only think the baby part is fun, when I'm still calling the shots and he can't do much about it. But what about when he grows up?? (I can't believe I'm thinking so far ahead, but I am.) So not fun ok?? So much money to spend on him!! Demanding a car, cellphone, pocket money, computer... And what about when he starts breaking girls' hearts left and right because he's so good looking??? Or waiting up late at night because he hasn't come home yet?

Eesh, so many things to worry about. It's not like college... take a class for one week and if I don't like it I can just hand in a drop form at the office. Wish I can take care of a baby and then call it quits when it starts being unfun, but who's going to accept a drop form for a rebelling teenager???

Ah, I think I'd rather save up to travel around the world. Didn't get to visit Greece, Argentina or France yet, but I will. Haven't done much about my goals this past year and a half. Did I learn a new language? Nope. Did I learn to dance? Nope. Did I allow for enough free time everyday? Erm... not really.

Well since that last goal-setting session has been quite a failure, I've decided to... come up with new goals! This time I'm going to use SMART goals... heehee... something I learned in Management 110. *assumes lecturer's tone* Ahem, SMART goals are Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant and Time-bound. Wah I actually remembered! But I haven't finalized my goals yet, been thinking about them for these past 2 days. I'm planning to set them by this Friday so I can get started beginning November!

Beautiful Lanjut memories

During my childhood, my family often went on vacations. One of our favorite places was Lanjut Golden Beach Resort, on the east coast near the Johor-Pahang border. I don't even remember when the place became our annual holiday destination. The only things I remember from that first trip was that my family went with my grandparents, and I got woken up super early to see the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen.

That first trip gave way to a lot more. Sometimes we went with my uncles' families (I have a lot of uncles), sometimes with my dad's friends' families, and sometimes a mix of both. Once we even had a 20-car entourage. To prevent people from getting lost, all the cars were numbered from 1 to 20 and must line up according to their number. Imagine how that looked on the highway. But no matter who else came along, there was one family who always joined us. My eldest uncle (dad's side) and his family. Which means there were 4 noisy kids who ran around uncontrolled: my brother, 2 cousins (boys) and me. Baby sis came into the picture quite late.

Those Lanjut trips were the highlights of our school years. The night before the trip, my brother and I were often too excited to sleep. Which is good because we slept through most of the long journey the next day. The minute we reached the resort, the 4 of us will rush to the bicycle shack to rent our bikes, before our parents even checked in. Got to reserve the best bike mah.

Cycling was our main way of getting around. I think I cycled more than I walked. We cycled EVERYWHERE. We cycled to the restaurant to meet our parents during lunch and dinner. We cycled to the swimming pool in our swimsuits. We cycled to the golf course to see if we could spy our dads playing golf. We cycled to the roti canai shop for breakfast. We cycled on paved roads. On pedestrian walkways. On grass (with extreme difficulty). We even tried to cycle on sand, where we promptly fell down and scraped our knees.

When the resort built more walkways, it got confusing when describing where to meet up. We also wanted noone else to understand where we were going. So we drew a map of all the pedestrian walkways and named each 'road'. Our road names were illustrative, if not creative. There was Bumpy Road, Jungle Road, Hotel Road, and Sharp Turn Road.

As we grew up, the resort grew, too. Where there were only wooden chalets at first, the club added a hotel and several concrete bungalows (lovingly named honeymoon suites). A bigger swimming pool was built. People could go jetskiing or kayaking. But the addition that was the most fun was woodball! It's a Taiwanese game which is a bit like golf except you use a mallet and a wood ball (hence the name). We had no idea how to play, so as usual, made up our own rules. At first noone else played, so we could yell at each other across the course or hit the ball however we wanted without disturbing others.

Among all the holidays we had in Lanjut, one trip stands out from the rest. That time, my parents brought my brother, my sister, me and 4 of my cousins. SEVEN children! Kinda like the Von Trapp family in the Sound of Music. Everytime we went for lunch or dinner, someone will surely stare and then ask my mum if we were all her children. I think for fun my mum did say yes a few times. It was a riot. 3 boys, 4 girls and only 2 adults. Plus my sister was still a toddler so my mum had to take care of her and had less time checking on us.

On that trip, my cousin's slipper went missing. We searched for it high and low before the 3 boys finally admitted that they buried it. The best part was they couldn't remember where they buried it, so my parents had to drive us to town to get her a pair of slippers. All the kids (minus my sister) slept in the huge living room (we stayed in the honeymoon suite) with the girls' and boys' territories marked out. 2 of my cousins (one my dad's side one my mum's) apparently did not like each other at all. And yet when the rest of us woke up the next morning, one of them had somehow rolled/climbed over my brother and both were hugging each other in their sleep. We came up with nicknames too, using our initials. There was Yoyo Lion, Yoyo Mouse, Telur Jagung, Telur Langsat, and my favorite... Tok tok ah Q. I was Suzy Cat. :P

As the years went by, we visited Lanjut less and less. The last time I went back I was still in high school. Then I went to Singapore and to the States and somehow we stopped visiting. I wonder how it looks like now. Maybe everything's different from how it used to be when I was a child. Or maybe nothing's changed. But I think even if I visited today, it wouldn't feel the same. No matter how the place looks like now, at least I've changed. Some things I believe are better left as good old memories. Memories to share with my family and relatives. To be fondly remembered every once in a while. Untainted by any attempts to relive them.

My 'Old Bean'

Clue: Circular opening Answer: H O L E
Clue: Circular opening? Answer: S E M I

Amazing how one punctuation mark can change the answer. Answers to crossword puzzle clues, that is. I've been doing crossword puzzles almost every day for the last 2 years, since I came to Drake. Yet, of the 250 plus puzzles that I've done, I've only managed to complete less than 10 without ANY form of cheating. That means not asking other people, no pure guessing, and no Googling.

Why do I do crossword puzzles? So many people have asked me that, especially my classmates in my designated "crossword-class-of-the-semester". I can't say exactly. But, one thing I know for sure, my dad was the one who introduced me to crossword puzzles......

When I was young, my dad always did crossword puzzles every morning. I think he still does, but I'm not sure. Once, the Star ran a series of articles that explained how to analyze clues. I don't know why he thought I would be interested, but he showed me the articles. My dad rarely taught me how to read clues. But every evening, after he was done with the crossword for the day, I used to look over his answers and wonder how on earth did he come up with those answers.

That was how we were. My dad never nagged me, never told me what I should and should not do, and never ever dictated how I should live my life. My dad knows when to give advice, and when to let me wander on my own. I don't share an incredibly close relationship with my dad as some people do. We don't "hang out", and some things we don't talk about. But I know my dad cares.

As I grow older, I realize that my dad and I are alike in a lot of ways. We share the same sense of humor, often laughing at the same things. We have the same temper as well, and I've gotten into a few scrapes. I wish I can spend more time with him now, but sometimes things don't work the way we want them to.

So why do I love doing crossword puzzles? Maybe because it reminds me of my dad and I want to be more like him. Or maybe I just like the challenge. The challenge of reading clues in different perspectives, thinking creatively, and honing my vocabulary. Or maybe because some classes are just too boring to listen to.

But whatever the reason, everytime I do a crossword puzzle, it reminds me of how much my dad has influenced my life. If who I am today is an assimilation of who I know and once knew, then my dad has left a Yeti-sized footprint in me.

I am my father's daughter... and proud of it.

I love you, Dad.

我的知音.. 你在哪里？

那天我不开心。 一整天一直郁郁寡欢， 不想和人讲话，亦没有心情说笑。 你临睡前在 msn 上送我一朵花。 简简单单的意思， 让我心暖了。 你没有问我为什么不开心， 也没有试着开导我。 就一朵花， 传达了你的关心和真挚的友谊。 不管时间把我们的距离拉得多遥远， 我们永远是朋友。 我没有告诉你， 可是我要你知道， 你那天的关心， 我领会了。 谢谢你。


近几天我在想着你。 想着我们曾经是很密的朋友。 想着我们晚上熬夜不睡， 就为了通电话。 我记得我们什么都谈， 你的生活哲， 我的观念。 就因为你有很不一样的观点， 你令我好奇。 有个朋友告诉我， 喜新厌旧的习惯要改。 对，是要改。 我不是不想和你作好朋友了， 只是我们之间似乎有一层隔膜。 你在想什么？ 我想重回以前那段日子。


我刚来美国的几个月， 你陪我逗我。 我男朋友不在， 我孤单的日子， 也是你陪我逗我。 短短几句话， 你能逗得我很开心。 有一段时间， 我自己都迷糊了。 或许你不知道， 我也不肯定， 可是我想你曾救了我的感情。 你爱说笑， 有时我不能分什么是真什么是假。 可是你忠于朋友， 就算你不认， 这个我看得一清二楚。


我们认识一年了吧。 你是个很热情的朋友， 我觉得我不是。 你帮了我好多， 就算我整天炸你， 心底还是感谢你的友谊。 有时你明白我在想什么， 明白到我自己都不爽。 整天点出我的心事， 做什么啦！ ：P 不过能认识你， 是我的幸福。 你认识我， 是你前生修的福。


我的知音。。 你在哪里？

they don't know...

* I was talking to a friend and suddenly all this thoughts came streaming through my head. So this is what I jotted down this morning. Not all of it is what I feel. Tried to figure out what other people might have gone through as well. *

We are the ones
For years, we dreamed of leaving the country
for a better future
and people say how lucky you are
but they don't know what it's like.

We arrive and everything is a dream
we meet new people we see a different culture
we laugh at things that we once saw only in movies
we weave our hopes into a new beginning

But soon some things fall apart
Some remain good
Some we realize are just mirages in blind hope

We learn to cook because no one will feed us what we want
We learn to be strong because there is no wall to lean on
We mourn the self that once had no cares in the world
We learn to grow up

We go home and people beam at us
We are the ones who are going places
but in our hearts we don't feel our smiles

Some of us find love in a new place
we hold hands and wonder at the chances of meeting each other so far from home
we are fascinated by people so different from what we are used to
Some dream of love far away
they don't know how it feels until they've felt it themselves
we look at other couples and we yearn
but all we can do is wait
and reminisce about the good times we had and we will have
Some lose love from afar
we cry silently and wonder
why did we strive to go so far and yet end up losing

we have seen what others dream
we yell with delight the morning after our first snowfall
they say winter is beautiful
but they have never been through a winter full of snowstorms

we earn more than people do at home and they say how good it is
but they don't know we worry too about money
this country can realize your dreams and yet it is lacking

they think we are spending our family's money
but they don't know our guilt, our gratitude and our pain
we watch their hard-earned money spent
and we vow one day to repay them
but meanwhile all we can do is say no
when they tell us not to worry and just ask if we need more

we go home and we see our friends
some have come back from afar
and when we look at each other we recognize the joy and pain of being home
we are glad to be back
but everywhere things are not the same anymore

we mourn for the things that we missed and lost
the close friendships that fade
the people and the beloved pets who have left us forever
not being there to watch our baby siblings or cousins grow up

we celebrate friendships we made
people who lived with us who know how we really behave who stood by us
we shared our joys our tears our loneliness
our friends for life who once were our closest family

in the end
we might never want to live through it twice
but if we had a chance to go back and choose
we'd walk the same road again

they don't know the tears we've cried
they don't know the tests we've tried
they don't know the joy we've had
they don't know the friends we've met

we don't know until we lost the things we took for granted
and then found them again
we have grown up
we are never the same again

A Letter for Santa

Dear Santa,

I might not have been sugary nice this year, but I've tried. I might have said some things I shouldn't have said, and did not say some things that I should have. I may have been unkind or selfish occasionally, and even lied once in a while. But I neither robbed nor killed, so would you please grant my requests this Christmas?

You gave me a lot this year, and I want to thank you for that. You gave me a wonderful summer and introduced me to a world I'll soon join. I've met some great people, people whom I hope will remain my friends for life. You brought me to many places, and showed me what I could achieve. You sprinkled pleasant surprises along the year, and revealed some long-lost friends as I strolled through time.

But Santa, for all your gifts, I arrive at December's door an unhappy child. You showed me the paths I could take, and I've strived to travel as far as I can. In my journey, I dropped some items in my backpack, yet I feel more burdened by the loss. I dreamt of frolicking with deers, diving into waterfalls and running with leopards, but somehow I ended up taking the shortest shortcut possible.

I wanted to do my best in whatever I did, but now I think my priorities have been terribly wrong. Although I've done well in the things I know I'm good at, I don't feel the sense of accomplishment after reaching my goals. I swore never to let my goals become my life, but I think I've been too single-minded in my pursuit. If we are climbing towards our peak in our 20s, then why is a part of me already dying?

I lost my traveling partner this year, and I can only blame myself for losing him. In the month that followed, I relived countless memories and shed silent tears. Why can't life remain simple as it was years ago? A time when choosing where to go or where to eat were the toughest decisions we made. Our map says we'll meet a fork in our journey soon, and I'm afraid that we'll take separate roads then. I cannot bear to travel further without knowing when our roads will merge again. You've been to every chimney on earth. You know the way to every place. Won't you point out how far after the fork would the two paths meet?

Dear Santa, if you do make dreams come true, won't you show me how to turn back? My backpack is starting to tear, and the items I need to fix it are lying on the road home.

This Christmas eve, I'm going to sleep early. No matter what noises I hear that night, I'll not open my eyes and catch you leaving gifts under the tree. When morning comes, I'll unwrap my gifts. Hopefully, in one of those colorful gift boxes, I'll find a new map. A map to return home.


Love,

Sheau Chin

风中的哀悼

后来还是走了。

一时狠下心来， 说走就走。

或许忙得什么都没时间想， 所以我的决定能坚持到现在。

也或许没有时间， 所以还没有好好的哀悼一下。

我自己觉得过得还好， 可是却会在外面径自发呆。

脾气比平时还要难以捉摸， 一时沉默寡言， 一时又很多话。

你还会习惯性地在晚上跟我说声晚安。

有些话我们不说了， 可时彼此还没到客客气气寒嘘几句的地步。

我想， 我还会依靠你， 直到你自己放手的那一天。

我们用泪用心用坚持换回来的点点滴滴， 如今就记忆在我们心中。

你走进我生活的第一天， 犹如往湖中间丢了一粒小石子。

波澜慢慢往外移， 我的规律也慢慢变。

但和最后又恢复平静的湖不一样的， 是从此我不会变回以前的我。

我永远都爱你， 只是我不是爱情万能主义者。

也许多几个月， 我们又会在一起了。

可是我有一种感觉， 有一天， 我们还是会分的。

四年的风风雨雨， 分分离离，注定了我们的生活永远都会纠缠着。

因为我们是两只跳不完舞的蝴蝶。

Nostalgia

The last day of my internship. I have been spending a few hours for the past few days trying to clear stuff off my desk. Doesn't seem like I had much progress so far. I've gone through files one by one, only to pull out papers and stack them into separate piles in another corner of my cubicle. Maybe I was subconsciously stalling my progress, or maybe my desk just had too many things on it. Either way, the last day was filled with anticipation and dread at the same time. Anticipation of finding out if I got an offer or not, and dread because this day signified that the most wonderful 13 weeks just ended.

I spent a couple of hours finishing up some work, but for the rest of the day I just met people, said my goodbyes and finally managed to really clear out my desk. Since Monday, I had numerous 5-minute blank-outs where I would just stare at the monitor screen, trying to let the fact that I was leaving in a few days sink in. Today, I walked around with a knot in my stomach, a feeling that I can't exactly describe. Nostalgic of the times Emily and I chit-chatted across our cubicles, all the intern activities, absolutely delicious lunches, and getting to know people in the office (especially my intern managers and buddies!). At 5.30 pm, I grabbed my bag, took one last look at an almost empty cubicle and sadly left a place that will be etched deep with fond memories in my mind.

想家的感慨

昨天 Healthcare 部门有个 outing， 邀请全部 intern 一起去。 一个下午不用工作，能出去玩，公司还照样付薪水， 当然去啰！

第一次去跑马场， 我期盼了好几天。 因为场地在 Arlington，芝加哥附近的一个 suburb， 所以必须搭火车。

一路上我顾着看风景， 也懒得和别人聊天。火车从芝加哥往西北驶， 窗外的景色从城市的繁荣化成小镇的熟悉。 我仿佛看到了以前曾见过的。 小时候随家人旅行， 偶尔经过一些小镇，就如现在窗外的小镇一样。

我看到了火车路，看到陈旧的屋子，看到骑电单车的小子。 大树一棵棵闪过我的视线， 和家里的大树一模一样。 这里没有 Starbucks， 只有简单的咖啡屋。 偶尔经过的车， 是实用的日本款式。 我把身边的外国人当透明， 布告板的英文变马来文。 在心里， 我正在回家， 就如以前有一次从新加坡搭火车回到吉隆坡。

Outing 是挺好玩的， 我赌小注， 所以输不多。 马跑的时候， 使劲的喊， 赢了输了照样再赌下一场。

倒是发现厌了和美国人说笑， 很想找我的马来西亚朋友们。两年了，越来越封闭自己， 对美国人起初的好奇， 变成后来的失望， 到现在的不屑。当然这是 General Paper 常说的 over-generalization， 我不是对所有美国人都有这种感觉。

或许我思想还不够开通， 可是到最后我还是比较喜欢和同乡的人做朋友。

星期一妈咪问我想不想家， 当时我没有立刻说想， 反而说已经麻痹了。 现在觉得， 我是想家的， 我说不出， 因为已经尽我所能不去碰那个感受。 我把所有看到的尽可能都联想成马来西亚也有的一部分；眼里看到的只有家里的好，这里的不好。

两年留在美国， 物质享受这里应有尽有，可是总觉得少了一份灵魂。 至少少了以前爱讲笑话， 作弄别人， 发花痴的那个人。

Reminiscence

And so it ends. Another chapter in a story that's still unfolding, full of the typical ups and downs, parallels and dissimilarities, and the usual comings and goings.

My days are counted by school semester, so it's not odd that I'm reminiscing now. Having my last final tomorrow morning, then I'll pack and leave Des Moines in the afternoon. Not to return until mid-August. Gonna miss this city? Doubt it. Ironically, I hold more attachment to Ames (city where my boyfriend attended university, about 40 mins away from Des Moines) than this place, but it's the people in Drake that I'm gonna miss.

I started this academic year by transfering to a different university, leaving behind a college with unfinished business and bittersweet memories. It's amazing how quickly we make new friends and find our own niche in a new place. There are things about Grinnell that I still and will always miss, but in its place I've found other perks.

It's always when things are about to change that we realize how comfortable we've been with our routine. Late night suppers in Spike's, walking back to Jewett after supper with a close friend, loitering outside Jewett to talk just a little bit more, looking forward to Fridays when my boyfriend picks me up, eagerly planning new recipes to try over the weekend, snuggling together while watching movies, grumbling about having to wake up early the next morning... the list can go on and on.

An entirely different chapter is coming up. I'm excited, though I must admit that I have no idea what to expect, which undoubtedly causes a little nervousness. Summer would give me a taste of the life that I'll live soon enough, though with more spoonfuls of fun and variety, and less doses of tedium and financial worries. Once again, I'll make new friends and find my own niche in a new place.

And so it begins.

Missing friends

Why is it that right after I write one blog entry, I will suddenly feel like writing another one?

Anyway I have decided that this space is gonna be my diary, and if everything goes as planned, there should be an entry per day, unless it's an ultra boring day, or if it's too personal.. hehe.

Been feeling weird today, don't know why. For no particular reason, too, it's just a general feeling. I think it's probably because I've been so happy the past 2 days, so I have to feel a bit off today to balance things.

Am also thinking back to all my friends that I rarely contact anymore. *sigh* All this school-hopping that I've done for the past 4 years is not good for friendships. Can't seem to stay in a place long enough to make many really really close friends. Plus, I don't like writing emails and my replies are extremely sporadic, so how to keep in contact leh? Which reminds me, I need to reply two people ASAP.

I miss the animal & vegetable gang. Now there's mamak back home WITHOUT me. How unfair is that? With the time difference, I don't even see most of the gang online anymore. Well, I guess we've drifted apart since we left high school. What with people spending more time with their other halves (I take the blame!), going to different colleges, different states / countries or working full-time, it's just hard to find time when all of us are free. But I just want you people to know, there'll ALWAYS be the animal & vege gang, and we MUST meet up when I go back yah?

There are other people that I wanna talk about. Friends I met after I left M'sia, who, in their own way, brought something unique to my life. I miss you foxy, for putting up with me in JC2, for going shopping with me, for your good food and for listening. I need a roommate like you here, no wait, I want you to be my roommate again. =)

Okay before I go on, I must clarify something. I'm NOT saying my future roommate is bad okay? I think it's gonna be fun rooming with "kacang", but me saying the last sentence in the previous paragraph has no bearing on what I think of my future roommate. Anyway, "kacang" will appear again later in this blog. =P

Also wanna say I miss you iceduckling! Hehe, I know you read my blog, and I keep missing you online, so just want to tell you here. One of the few "out strong inside gentle" gals in my life. Had an awesome time in Hong Kong with ya. Remember Edison Chen and "ding dong"? ;) I hope everything's working out wonderfully for you!

Another "out strong inside gentle" gal I met in Grinnell. My ex-roommie! Okay, I owe you one super-long email for being so late. I miss you, too! Was fun living with you, remember when everyone thought "weird" about you and me.. haha. We need to play charades at least once! Mebbe when I visit you in Grinnell some day.. wonder when that would happen?

Last but not least, my fellow Drakulians! Haha, this is what I named the group of Drake students on my MSN. I don't miss them now, since I see them EVERYDAY in class and for dinner. But I just want to tell other people about the M'sians (& non-M'sians) here. Oh, and I just realized that there's almost an animal group here, except it was inspired by the bird story so doesn't really count. And the animals are made up by miss "kacang". Anyway, I think there's 5-6 of us here that hang out a lot, and we are very "ngam key".

hmm.. so the people I've mentioned are mostly gals. Doesn't mean I don't miss my guy friends. But since a certain person might read my blog, you all "heart know stomach clear" can lah hor? ;) we are FRIENDS only ah.

Okay, I need to sleep, even though it's only 10.42 pm here. I have to wake up at 6.45 am tomorrow. Have to go work. It's worth it, though. Good night!

Weather gal

It's gonna be April! And it's time for another spring! Having established that I am a weather gal, which means my mood is strongly affected by the weather, it's been a happy 2 days for me this week. The sun is up, the temperature is in the 70s, and I get to wear skirts. Not warm enough for bikinis, though, not like I would have worn one anyway.

I wonder if this mood swing is typical of Sagittarians, since another Archer has just agreed that this happens to him, too. I get depressed during winter, preferring to hide indoors most of the time and generally not being very energetic. By March, I'm completely ecstatic, laughing and enjoying anything that comes my way.

This happened last spring, too. Is it because the weather is getting better, or that it takes me until spring to feel more belonging to the new place I'm in? Or is it because I'm happier during spring that I become more sociable, and so I meet new friends and establish closer relationships with existing ones?

I probably won't know the answer until next spring, since I'll be in the same college again next year. One thing's for sure, after this June, I'll definitely be looking forward to next spring.