Are you meant for me?

(I just remembered I made a list of "blogs-to-come" at the right column and I NEVER did write any of those. It's about time I start clearing the list. So here goes the first entry...)

Classic-but-highly-delusional-version:

Everyone has someone and only one who is meant for them.

Modified-and-more-realistic-version:

There are ten people out there for every person. If you are lucky enough to find one out of these ten, then you would live together happily ever after.

Note: These ten people are ranked in order. For example, the #1 person for Daniel Wu (which is me of course) is most meant to be with Daniel Wu. His #2 person, let's say her name is Sheau Chin (oh wait that's still me but what do you care), is the next most compatible with him. And so on. The ranking is reciprocal too. So whoever happens to be Daniel Wu's #5 person (which is probably still me) will have Daniel Wu on her list as #5.

A while back, I was talking to a friend about this. I asked her if she believed that she would find the right person for her. The modified version was what my friend told me. She didn't believe that there was only one person for her, she believed there was ten.

So I asked her if she did find one of them, would she know that he is the one meant for her. Or would she always be guessing? She said when she meets him, she would just instinctively know that he is one of the ten. Gut feeling.

So I asked her again, what if she meets 2 of them at the same time? Which one would she pick? Or worse, what if she was lucky enough to meet more than 2 at the same time? What now? That was why she came up with that ranking system. So she would just pick the one that's higher up on the compatibility ladder.

Then I asked her if that meant she would also instinctively know which one is ranked higher? At which point she said yes and told me to zip it.

That discussion happened a few months ago. At first, I agreed with her. Well maybe not ten people exactly, but a few people somewhere out there who were meant for me. Who, when we meet, would spark a fire so strong that it would take a lifetime and then a bit more to burn out.

I've had some time to mull over that discussion. And no.. I don't believe that there are people who are simply born to be meant for each other for life. Maybe there are people who are especially compatible with each other, but the level of compatibility can change with time.

People change. Our tastes, our hobbies, our goals, our desires, our interests. We change everyday. And with that, what we need from other people. So yes, there may be ten people who are just right for me now. But will we be right for each other forever? Who knows? Maybe when we change, we don't change in the right direction. So in that set of ten people, 5 of them are not compatible with me anymore. And because of changes, another 5 who were not in the list gets added.

I believe that at certain times in life, there are certain people (note not just one) who are more likely to fall in love. And when I move to a different stage in life, hopefully we will still be right for each other. But it's not a must. It's not a fact. It's not for sure. So if we change and we find that we are holding on just because and it's not working even though we tried, then it's time to let go. Maybe we'll lose a lover but gain a confidante, or maybe we'll find that even as friends we don't click anymore.

Do I believe that I'll find someone who would grow with me? I don't know. It doesn't hurt to hope. But I know I'm not ready yet. Have I already met the one who's right for me now? Who knows? Oh that's another thing, I don't believe I can instinctively tell that someone's the one for me. Guess I have no gut feelings. But I do know one thing... Daniel Wu's on my list no matter what.

Philosophical Questions

Philosophical question:

Which is worse? Having too many expectations? Or having none at all?

I think expectations are a scary thing.

What I've never had, I won't yearn for. What I've never done, I won't miss. But once something happens, maybe a few times or maybe just once, I'll learn to expect it.

And when it doesn't happen again, it'll throw me off. I'll get restless and impatient. Waiting for it to happen soon, and for as long as it doesn't, it'll affect my mood.

But when it does, it'll make me happy all day.

So my mood yo-yos from one end to the other end all the time. Which is fun when it's on the high end, not so fun when it's on the low side.

Which brings me to philosophical question 2:

Would you rather.. be ecstatically happy one week but feel down the next? Or feel neutral all the time?

I would definitely pick the first one. No doubt about it.

Yeah, feeling down is not fun. But the week where I'm ecstatically happy more than makes up for it.

I have mood swings. That's an established fact since a million years ago.

So there are times when I feel really really really happy. When I can't stop smiling and I just feel like telling everyone that I'm very happy. But why am I happy? Sometimes I don't even know. I just am. :D

Then sometimes I will feel a bit blue. For no particular reason at all too. Cause personally, I don't think anything bad really happens to me that often. It's not like I'm sad, just feels a bit off. A bit detached from the world. Don't feel like talking to people as much. I want to be alone but I also want to tell someone about it.

But I know soon enough, I will hit the "ecstatic phase" again. And then everything will be fine once more.

A Walking Contradiction

I think you can pretty much ignore all my announcements.

When I say I'm going to do (or not do) something, I'll usually contradict myself sooner or later.

Remember when I said that a particular blog will be my last about something?
The next day, I immediately wrote another blog related to that something.

Remember when I said I want to go home ASAP?
Now I'm having so much fun, I don't think I will anymore.

Remember when I said I want to work in a place that's warm all year round?
Look where I ended up. And loving every minute of it.

Remember when I said I won't blog until next Wednesday?
Well well what am I doing now?

Remember when I said I don't want you to come bursting my bubbles?
I think I'm on the verge of bursting them myself.

Obsessively thinking about three things.

Can't stop talking about two.

And listening to the same song over and over again.



I know this blog didn't make a lot of sense.

Oh well.

My Life Part 2

I guess the previous blog didn't come out quite the way I wanted it to. When I wrote it, I didn't mean to say that I am bored here. No. It's just that on weekdays, I am so tired after work that all I want to do when I get home is slump on my couch and not do anything. By 9.30 I already feel like sleeping.

It's nice to live on my own. I can do whatever I want however I want whenever I want. Life is much slower-paced now compared to my university days. Sure I work 40 hours a week, but when I come home I'm done. There's no exams to study for, no assignments to complete, no papers to write. I don't have a 21-credit course load, no 20-hour-a-week internship, and no actuarial exams in the next 3 months. Now I can truly see how crazy that was.

When I get home, I have time to take care of myself. I can take my own sweet time to cook healthier meals, exercise (we'll see how long I can keep up the exercise part), and pamper myself with a nice long shower every night. I don't have to multitask. I don't have to rush. I don't have to stay up late to do something I don't like.

Yeah, I would like to know more people here. But that will come. I'm not worried. So you don't have to worry for me.

My Life As It Is (more than you ever want to know)

The alarm rings.

I hit the snooze button. 5 minutes later I hit it again. And again. And again...

Half an hour later I get out of bed.

I turn on the microwave to cook rice for the day. No rice cooker yet.

Meanwhile I get ready for work.

I head over to the kitchen to make breakfast and pack my lunch.

I sneak in a crossword puzzle during breakfast but only have time to do half.

Within an hour, the door to my apartment closes. (And the elves come out to mend my shoes. No wait, wrong story.)

Work is about 2 blocks away and takes me 5-10 minutes to walk depending on how high my heels are.

After checking my mail and reading the news, it's work, lunch, then more work.

9 hours later, the door to my apartment opens.

I cook dinner and the next day's lunch.

I watch one episode of a Chinese drama while eating dinner.

After taking a nice long shower, I start ticking off the items on my to-do list. (There's a to-do list because EVERYTIME I try to list things mentally, I will forget one important thing. And not remember it until the next day.)

Every other day I exercise.

Once a week I call my mum.

I try to blog as often as I can.

I read the books I borrowed from the library.

Sometimes, I catch up with a friend.

The crossword puzzle left half blank in the morning gets filled in as much as possible.

Every other Wednesday I do laundry (which takes up a good chunk of time with the ironing).

If I have extra time, I study for FAP but that's not happening much.

I get ready for bed.

When I feel sleepy, I snuggle underneath my super-comfy comforter with my puppies and dream the night away.

The alarm rings.

So sleepy..

I'm sooooo tired today!

Woke up at 6.15 am to teman my sister to the hospital. 6.15 am!!! I've only woken up this early three times this holiday. And that includes the first day when I woke up at 5 am because of jet lag. It's only 11.30 pm now but I'm already feeling very sleepy. Usually I sleep around 1-3 am and wake up at 11 am. Can't sleep yet though because I just took a shower. Beanie says it's not good to sleep with damp hair so have to tahan a bit longer. Argh!

4 more days before my flight! So fast! I still have a lot of things to prepare. Gonna buy some food stuff tomorrow, cannot forget 'bak kut teh' packets and curry paste. Hope they don't confiscate at customs. Hmm, I think that's the only thing I have left to buy. Already packed up one suitcase (22.5 kg, ngam ngam!). But there's still a lot of stuff I haven't packed yet. Don't know if they can fit into one suitcase or not. Keeping my fingers crossed.

I'm going to Genting this Saturday. Sort of like a going away trip. :D Can take it as a transition too. Apparently it was very cold yesterday (already?) up North, so I go from Kajang -> very hot, to Genting -> cool (I hope), and then finally Louisville -> cold. I didn't know I could plan so well. :) Ah who am I kidding? I'm the only person I know who has missed a flight because I went to the airport ONE DAY LATE.

Oh I went to watch The Banquet yesterday with my whole family. I thought it was okay, very very slow though. A few times I........

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zzzzzz........

(gone to sleep with semi-damp hair, will write more when I'm more awake)

Half-deaf

I am half-deaf! Well almost.

There's a constant ringing sound in my left ear ever since I stepped out of the shower last Friday. My left ear's not really helping in the hearing department, either. It's as though I have a low quality earplug, so I can sort-of hear out of my left ear, but the sounds are muffled. *sigh*

Over the weekend, I kept "har? har?"-ing people. So not fun. Sometimes when I yawn, my ears pop. Like how ears pop when there's water in them after you swim. Happened quite a few times. Everytime they pop, I get so hopeful thinking finally can hear properly liao. But nope, get stuck again. Haih.

So I went to the doctor this morning. The Putrajaya clinic is quite nice, didn't have to wait too long. And they have a very nice system of handling patients too. Parking is a big problem though. Anyway, I got some ear drops so hopefully my ears will clear out within a week.

Tagged

Got tagged by YanHan. Actually I have another one of these to do since a long long time ago. Supposed to list 5 weird habits I have that nobody knows about, but so far I can only think of 3. Darn. Probably I don't even realize the odd stuff I do. So if you happen to know some of my weird antics, leave me a comment yah!

FAVORITE
COLOR: Purple & silver. Though judging from the clothes I wear.. black.
FOOD: Har mein (spicy prawn noodles)! And kangkung belacan. Both can NEVER go wrong.
MOVIE: Now & Then. About four childhood girl friends. Simple but touching.
SPORT: I don't play anything. Unfortunately.
DAY OF THE WEEK: Wednesday. No idea why. Maybe because the week is half done. I like things half done. Like eggs. And steak.
ICE CREAM: Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie. Mmmmm.... yum yum.
TV SHOWS: Currently it's Grey's Anatomy.

CURRENT
MOOD: Lazy & don't feel like doing anything. Which has been my mood for the last 3 months.
TASTE: ???
CLOTHES: White t-shirt and shorts. I'm at home mah.
DESKTOP: No desktop. Have a laptop named "slowpoke" which oddly became faster since I got home. I can prove it.
TOENAIL COLOR: Light pinkish. No nail polish on.
TIME: 2.43 pm.
ANNOYANCE: That I cannot buy plane ticket yet because I don't know when I'm starting work.
THOUGHTS: Need a cute RPG game! Need a cute RPG game!

FIRST
BEST FRIEND: The first one I can remember is in Standard 2. Hooi Ying. =)
CRUSH: Hehe.. Standard 3. I'm not saying who.
MOVIE: No idea. Sesame Street, Dumbo, Bambi.. probably one of those.
LIE: Who remembers this la?
MUSIC: Must be those kiddy songs.

LAST
CIGARETTE: Never had, never will.
DRINK: Oh, this is soooo long ago liao. Sometime in the last few weeks at Drake. While playing the SM game. Heehee. (SM is somebody's name ok.. don't simply think)
CAR RIDE: On Monday to pick up my sister. Got comment from sister's friend that I look like "aunty". :'(
CRUSH: For my own safety, I'm not saying who either. =P
PHONE CALL: Last night. Before sleeping.
CD PLAYED: Music cd? Very very very long ago. Don't remember.

HAVE YOU EVER

DATED ONE OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS? Nope!

BROKEN THE LAW? If you mean traffic-related laws (such as speeding), then lots of times.

BEEN ARRESTED? Nope. One time we were parked in a residential area around 1 am, just talking in the car, then 2 policemen came and asked for our ICs. After that they asked us to go back home. That's about as close as I ever got to the police.

SKINNY DIPPED? Haha, I doubt anybody wants me to do that.

KISSED SOMEONE YOU DON'T KNOW? Nope. Although once on the last day of church camp (I'm not a Christian though), we had a New Year's Eve celebration. Everyone was singing and hugging their friends. Including my cousin and I. Then this guy came over and without any warning at all kissed our hands (just like those gentlemen in British movies). Then after that just went back to his group. Didn't even introduce himself. My cousin and I were stunned for a while.

If you know any of my weird habits (or you think it's weird), leave me a comment yah!

理想

我欲乘风而去 腾云而返；

我愿怡然待世 静心待人；

我想无欲无求 不嫉不怒；

我渴情浓若血 谊深似亲；

我要看轻物质 看重友谊；

我求有福同享 有难自当；

我会遇事皆忍 逢惑皆耐；

我望有话直说 但顾及别人；

我图真诚关心 开怀宽容；

我的理想。

P.S: Yeow Yeow, this is my answer to your question. :P

Silent Reflections in O'Hare

WARNING: The following paragraphs are a series of unrelated and possibly incoherent thoughts, connected only by the fact that they came one after another during a 2 1/2 hour wait for my delayed flight this afternoon.

Sometimes I wonder what people think of me when they read my blog. This holds especially for people who are complete strangers or who have not been in touch with me for a long long time. Do you see a girl who's enjoying or suffering through her emotional rollercoaster ride? Do you see a girl who's choking over all her choices or revelling in them? Do you imagine a girl who's so unsure of herself that she has to keep asking people what they think? Or do you see a girl who's notoriously bad at ending her stories? So much so that I'm not gonna finish the Hawk story. :P Well no, that's not the real reason. Not the point here anyway.

In all the infrequent occasions when I blog, I rarely mention my internship, my school life or even my daily life in general. You may know that I love using metaphors, but do you know what my major is or what I do on weekends? Probably not.

I realize I act and talk differently with different groups of people. This is not the so-called 'adapting to the environment' kind of thing. More like I hide who I really am and become this quiet, softspoken, serious person. I don't know where that person came from, but I've seen her. And it's not just at places where everyone else is being polite and serious too. I wish it didn't take me soooooooooooo much time before I get used to people and be who I really am.

I've met a lot of great people. People who I really really want to get to know well, and yet there seems to be a barrier between us. Most of the time I think this barrier is my own reluctance to open up, but how do I break it down? I want to be good friends with you, but you have to make the first move. Please.

I went to Chicago yesterday afternoon and returned to Des Moines tonight. We played whirlyball, defined by someone as 'bumper car meets basketball meets lacrosse'. Btw, any M'sians out there know what 'Lai Lai' is? It's similar to lacrosse and supposedly a very popular sport in M'sia. Why have I NEVER heard of it??

Whirlyball was so fun!! My neck is a little sore though, now it hurts when I twist it to the left. I kept getting jolted and bumped from behind by people with fast cars. A few times I was pretty sure I was this close to breaking my neck. Hehe. Luckily, I learned to look around every 5 seconds to make sure noone's planning another ambush. It was great fun though. :D

Btw, I met Daniel Radcliffe today. Name sounds familiar? It's the guy who played Harry Potter! Haha, he looked like Doraemon's friend though. I think his name is Nobita. And I told Daniel so.

Ramblings

Phew! What a week! I'm glad this week is almost over. It's been an eventful 4 days, not entirely good, but not entirely bad either.

First off, Kitty and I got the room we wanted for next semester. =D The 2 days before room draw were pretty upsetting, mainly because we kept getting mis-information from people who ought to know better. Still, it all ended well. Already planning out all the slumber parties and cooking we are gonna do. Yay! It's gonna be fun having a living room and bathroom of our own. Not to mention a TV, M'sian food and bubble baths!

And I don't care what my MBTI score says, I'm definitely NOT an extrovert. Maybe I should be more open towards strangers, but ah well, that's just not me. Especially when it's a whole group of unknown people, no thank you. I feel so much more at ease when I meet one new person at a time. Otherwise, I'll stay in my own comfort circle.

I would also like to announce my humble opinions on 2 well-known phrases:

1) Honesty is not always the best policy.

2) Curiosity might not kill the cat, but it can sure hurt the feline.

I guess this week has not been particularly kind to me. Don't worry, this is the downward phase of my sinuous emotional cycle. Will be up soon!