焉知此祸不是福

Had a really long and nice conversation with my mum last night. 2 hours. Long or not? Was going to talk longer, but then phone card ran out of credits.

Remember the blog I wrote called 牵手? My mum thought it was lyrics from a real song! Haha, I told her I wrote it, and PURPOSELY made it look like song lyrics to con people. She was sooooooooo impressed. Hehehe, my ego is all puffed up today.

I tell my mum everything. When I'm sad, I call home. When I'm happy, I call home. Well, maybe not right away when I'm happy. Cause busy celebrating mah. :P But my mum knows what I've been through and is going through.

My mum said, 焉知此祸不是福. Agreed. My mum said a lot more things. All agreed.

此事不是祸，此事是福。辛苦就一定是祸吗？伤心就一定是祸吗？不。

我辛苦了，伤心了，哭泣了，生气了，颓废了，接受了，看开了，放下了。

是什么？

是我成长了。

Report Passed

It's just been confirmed!

*clears throat* Me officially can write reports! :D

Remember those reports I kept complaining about? Well I have to write 5 (one for each Module) before taking the 5th exam (aka FAP Exam 1). I submitted my Module 4 exercise to SOA (Society of Actuaries) last week and my progress report immediately showed it as "under grader review".

Been obsessively checking my progress report everyday ever since. And today, at 6.46 pm, it now shows my Module 4 exercise as... *drum roooooooolls*... "passed".

*wild display of fireworks* *wolf whistles* *hugs Kacang Bulu*

Am so tempted to show a screenshot, but not sure if I'm allowed to show how the FAP website looks like. So better not take my chances.

But I'm happy happy happy. Now I need to worry about the REAL exam, it's coming up in a month. Scary scary.

No More Sore Throat

I have no more sore throat! *happy happy*

Now I "only" have a cough. And an itchy throat.

Quite cham. Feels like I'm trying to cough out my lungs.

I wonder if my colleagues mind. Cos I just realized sometimes it sounds very serious.

And you know when you have a cough hor, it usually starts getting serious right in the middle of a meeting! Evil coughs.

My sore throat just kind of disappeared overnight. Was still quite sore yesterday, then this morning when I woke up, no more sore throat!

Hmm.. must be the medicine needs some time to work.

OR......... maybe it's the 2-week-old pear I ate last night!

Serious one, it's been in my fridge for 2 weeks. Still edible though. (Proven since I'm still alive.)

Maybe last time old wives used old pears as cure for sore throat huh? Maybe I just found the long-lost remedy!

Just for the record, the pear is the green green soft soft kind. Not the crunchy yellow one. So next time if you have a sore throat, you know what to eat lah hor?

A Promise

Somebody promised me that he'll marry me if I'm still single at 35.

:D

I have no worries in my life anymore.

(Quick! Introduce me to all the guys you know!

I only have 11 more years to go!)

Hehe, just kidding yah.

你是最好的, 你知道吗？

My Horoscope

Guess what's my horoscope today?

You may feel pushed and pulled emotionally but that's what it will take to get you to do what needs to be done to move on. Let go of the things and people who are no longer a benefit. You can find happiness, security and a better future.

Exactly what I need!

I've been saying the same thing over and over again since last Christmas. But what my head tells me and what my heart actually feels can be quite different. And I'm way better friends with my head than my heart.

So yesterday I made a decision to cut off everything. No more 藕断丝连。 Otherwise it'll just drag on and on and take me forever to move on.

I've been rationalizing and overanalyzing my emotions since day one. No more of that. I don't have to reason out what is right and what is wrong. After all, 是非对错谁人悉? We don't have to exchange sorry's, don't have to say thanks. What happened was nobody's fault and our choice. 过去的让它过去.

Thanks to all of you who kept me company. Thanks for listening to me rant on and on and over and over about the same thing. Thanks for staying up at night listening to me vent. Thanks for listening to me even when you need to work. You know who you are. If you think I'm talking about you, then I probably am. Thank you so much. Just a heads up, I'm not saying thanks now because I won't rant anymore.. because I very well might. But I'll try not to. ;)

I don't have to pretend to be strong. If my emotions wash over me again, I'll let myself swim in it, but I won't drown. No I won't. I'm not the only person in the whole world who's going through this. It's just that it's my first, and I'm learning.

But I'll walk through this. How long will it take before I wander through this maze? I don't know. Maybe months, maybe weeks or maybe days. Time will heal me and he doesn't take Disney Fastpasses. So I'll just wait. (And study for that exam in the meantime.)

You know how the more you try to do something, the worse you do? Like when I'm playing Minesweeper, if I am consciously trying to beat my best time, I'll play even slower than I usually do. I got my fastest records when I was not paying attention, clicking away while daydreaming about something else.

So I guess this is the same thing. One day soon enough, when I'm out grocery shopping, or having a walk in the park, it'll suddenly hit me: "Hey, I haven't thought about so-and-so for a while now."

And then I'll know I've moved on.

Here's to my happiness, security and a better future!

(Head: Psst, hey Heart, you listening to all this?)

Curse of the Golden Flower

Note to self: Write about hungry people & apples, 2 lengzhais and theory on ten people when not so tired.

I went to watch Curse of the Golden Flower today. Showing in cinemas here surprisingly. The movie is in Mandarin with English subtitles. Am so thankful they didn't dub it.

Most "memorable" feature of movie: b**bs. I didn't know there were that many Chinese girls who are well-endowed. Ah ah.. no making fun of me! I know you were going to crack some (no doubt lame) joke about me just now. Don't say I perasan. :P

So tired now. Sick also. :( Feels like there's a lump in my throat. But it doesn't feel like the typical sore throat. Also feeling a bit nauseous. Which just reminded me, last time when I say I feel nauseous, my roomie will straight away ask me the SAME question: "so so.. when will I become an auntie ah?" *pengsan (faint)* Make me don't dare to mention it anymore whenever I felt nauseous. So cham, cannot even be nauseous in peace.

Too sleepy. Off to bed. Night night.

Edited：牵手

Erm... I know I said in the last blog that that would be the last blog about my 5-year relationship. But.. I was listening to some songs my biew jie sent to me last night.. and I just absolutely HAVE to put this here. So, no more claims about any blog being the last liao hehe.

牵手

当你放开我的手
再牵起她的手
我像看到了一个新的你

奇怪
从前只想着你的好
如今再和你聊天
想用赞美的话安慰你
我却找不到说不出

你已经不值得我伤心
你不如我坚强
十五个条件你只有兩个
想当初我是执著

过去的让它过去
勿须解释什么
是非对错谁人悉
至少我沒有失去自己

离开你的枷锁
我只是在等
等翅膀痊愈
寻找我的天空

我不懦弱
只须要一点时间

待泪流干了心不再淌血
我已不再眷恋
不再回头看我們走过的路

我现在受伤了
但我希望你们会幸福
当我的翅膀痊愈了
我会飞得更高

或许再多一点时间

我会记起你的好

我们曾经快乐的回忆

你曾经让我感动的一面

我不会因为你
不会因为你而不敢再爱

不会因为你而怕受伤害

我只是在等
等你的影子
不再出现在我的心里
然后把我的心
交给一个爱我的男人

因为我知道
外面有个男人
等着牵起我的手

我们的开始

不会有你的阴影

I wrote this last night. :)

One Last Thought

I had a GREAAATTTTTTTT weekend!!!

Hahaha, so happy now. Don't ask me why cause I don't even know why myself.

*ninja turtle hopping around madly*

Someone hit me on the head right now.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

This is the last blog I'm going to write about the relationship I had for the last 5 years. Kinda sad huh? But I think everything I need to say can be said here. I might reminisce in the future, but that's just memories.

It's been 4 weeks.

What a whole lot of change.

You know those articles that tell you how to deal with a breakup. The different post-breakup stages you would go through. Well I don't remember much about them.

But in the past weeks, there were many times I felt like I was watching myself going through the emotions that rush into my mind. Like a passive observer standing across the street.

I would feel sad. And then I would think to myself: "look I'm sad now. Well, that's right. I should be sad". And I would encourage myself to just let everything sink in. Until I don't feel like feeling sad anymore.

Sometimes I would be happy. Relieved maybe. Or anticipation for the unknown future. One of those, I don't know. I might feel a little upset. But I have not, surprisingly, felt angry. Maybe it was because I had expected it. Maybe because it wasn't a complete surprise. I don't know. Who knows? Good though, no anger means no dead cells.

I'm the kind of person who wants to go through everything quickly. By week 2, I thought to myself, "Ok, hurry up and finish feeling sad. You know you can't wait to see the new life you are going to have. Get over it already."

But then I figured, "you know what, 5 years is a whole lot of my life. Almost 20%". (Stop trying to figure out how old I am right now!) So I decided that I would give myself a few months to get over it.

I wasn't used to the change. He's been a big part of my life for so long. My cousin said that studies have shown that doing something continuously for 21 days would make it a habit. So all I needed was 3 weeks. I wasn't sure about that. Felt like I was trying to get over a drug addiction or something. NOT THAT I HAVE EVER DONE DRUGS BEFORE. I'm just saying felt like, as in what I think getting over drug addictions would be like.

And now it's week 4. And I don't think about him day and night anymore. I'm genuinely happy. I think about other people. And it's making me confused. Because aren't I supposed to be sad still? How could I get over a 5-year relationship so easily? I was worried and guilty, am I really as detached and cold as I always feared I was?

Today, I have nothing to worry about anymore. He's happy, or at least he's found his happiness his way. There is no turning back, and as much as I claimed the same since week 1, today I truly think there is no turning back. And we don't have to turn back. We can just keep walking ahead. Maybe our paths are no longer the same, but at least they cross every now and then.

Would you, the outsider, believe me if I said I just want to be good friends from now on? Would you think I meant it? Or would you think that I am holding on to the faint glimmer of hope that someday we would get back together again?

I believe myself. And I believe him.

Plus you know that fun in the beginning? When you are not sure if he likes you or not. And if you like him or not. When you two are playing hide and seek. Well...... I just remembered. :D

A Letter to SOA

Excuse me, Mr. SOA, I have a question...

Why am I ALWAYS writing reports???

Why can't we, just for ONE module, do something else instead huh huh???

Like.. oh I don't know..

one of those crazy hair-pulling nail-biting brain-juice-draining math questions we did for the last 4 exams?

Oh wait, we are doing those. ALONG WITH these reports.

AND the 1,257,356 pages of reading material.

The reading material, by the way, is falling a bit short of your goal of making me completely confused.

As of today, I'm only confused 83.54% of the time.

So why why why did we change to this system?

I mean, what was wrong with the old way?

Did you think we hated the 3,265,692 pages of study notes previously?

Or was it the 90.2% passing rate for the new system that you presumed would be more appealing?

Or maybe you just took the liberty of assuming that we preferred the MCQ format rather than writing essay questions?

Did you ask us first huh huh??

Well let me tell you something mister...

.
.
.
.
.
.

you are RIGHT.

P.S: I'll include my thanks if I pass my exam. Otherwise...

(Numbers are all made up and have no statistical backing.)

Have you seen this guy?

Missing.

26 to 29-year old.

Is about 6 feet (1.83 cm) tall.

Works out occasionally and likes to play sports.

Confident and intelligent, but does not take himself too seriously.

Sensitive enough to understand my feelings.

Strong enough to handle my temper.

Makes me feel safe.

Has a passion in his life.

Able to make quick decisions when needed.

Someone that I can talk to about anything and everything.

Likes to travel and try out new activities.

Man enough without being chauvinistic.

Makes me laugh.

Is genuinely interested and supportive of my dreams.

Someone whom I respect.


If found, please notify immediately.

Looking Back Looking Ahead

Let's talk about 2006.

I wrote a letter to Santa in 2005 as a recap of the year, but this Christmas I decided not to write to Santa anymore. Didn't have any wishes to ask. Besides, I'm getting too old to write to Santa.

2006.. hmm.. lots of "first"s in that year.

It started off with a bang. Literally. I spent New Year's eve in Las Vegas with my gorgeous roommie. Who's off to Europe right now looking for Parisian hunks. I hope she's successful, cause she has promised to bring home one for me. Keke.

Oops digressed a bit there.

2006 was a year of change. I changed from "student" to "actuarial analyst". Can't sleep in just because I feel like it anymore. No more homework or assignments. No more eating in Hubbell. Have to dress up properly everyday. Have to act professional.

I moved from Des Moines to Louisville. All alone. A little scary but quite liberating as well. I'm finally living alone after 5 years of dorm life. I love having roommates though. Miss all my roommies.

I visited a few places. The Grand Canyon, House on the Rock (Wisconsin), Disney World! (Orlando), and St Louis (Missouri). Had a lot of fun.

I went home finally after almost 3 years. So many things changed but so many things didn't change as well. I ate a lot of good food, met all my cousins and friends and relived the 'mamak' experience. Which made me feel that the best place to be is still home. Even if the quality of life is supposedly not as good, even if I don't earn as much there, home will always be home.

And 2006 ended with another bang. A different kind. After a little more than 5 years, I'm now single, available but not desperate. Yet. Keke. Back to where I began, but older and wiser. It's been a good journey, and I'm ready for a new chapter in my life.

I left last year with a lot of questions and some confusion. This year, I might not get all the answers I want, but I will do my best to search for them.

I spent last year doing all the things that I thought I should do, whether I want to or not. I started things with my heart, but let my head overrule everything. This year I'm going to follow my heart, and do what I really really want.

Last year I spent too much time studying and working. This year I want to pay more attention to my family (including my cousins) and friends.

If 2006 was a transition year, I want 2007 to be a year of self-discovery. It's going to be all about the me inside. :)

Winterfest 2007!

Last Saturday, our department had an event called Winterfest. Which is a fancy way of saying "annual new year dinner".

It was quite fun. Dressing up and meeting my colleagues' wives/ husbands/ girlfriends/ boyfriends after hearing about them for so long.

The food itself was okay, there was cheesecake! Although I think I've been pampered by very good tiramisu, so cheesecake doesn't have as much appeal anymore.

There's a Happy Hour coming up in two weeks! I think my department has tons of activities going on. One luncheon per month, potlucks every now and then, one happy hour per month, and then during summer there's softball, volleyball, soccer, scavenger hunts, farm outings...... I can't wait for summer already!

As promised, here are photos from Winterfest:

This is me, posing before leaving for Winterfest. Don't tell me you don't take photos of yourself when you are dressed up. :P I don't know why I'm holding the camera at that angle.



Sabrina and Jazz sit in the same "six-pack" (cubicle cluster) as I do. Baiyun is Jazz's guest. Sabrina's a reeeeeeeally nice person. She and I go grocery shopping together every Thursday. And we eat lunch together. Seriously, I don't know what I'd do without her in Louisville.



Jason and Alan also sit in my cluster. I didn't take a photo with the girl missing from our "six-pack" though. Shoulda. Rebecca is Dan's roommate. I work with Dan ALOT. Somehow we keep getting thrown into the same project teams. He's fun though. Jason and Alan keeps bullying him about giving me too much stuff to do. And I don't bother correcting them. Kekeke.



Okay, it's too much trouble making borders for all these photos. So that's it for show and tell. :P

夜晚的心声

什么时候最难熬？夜深人静的时候。

什么日子最难过？每星期习惯和他聊天的时间。

越来越难入眠。

每晚躺在床上，反反复复地回想。 回想好的从前，也回想不好的从前。

不要告诉我别想这么多。

我要一直想，想到我自己不想再想了。

夜晚心里特别寂寞。

月亮反映出我的孤单。

我趴在床上，用手撑着头， 看着外面的街灯车辆广告牌。

外面的世界一如往常。

我的世界却彻底地变了， 可是表面上看来，我的日子没有很大的改变。

每天照样上班。 同事中只有一个知道我的事。所以对他们来说，我还是我。

把私事和公事划清，有时让我感觉很不协调。 好像有两个面具。

偶然发现有个同事的父亲去世了，我猜他不想别人知道。

我看他上班，和往常没什么不一样，但是他内心是怎么样的？应该很伤心吧。

我每天上班，和同事聊天，一起做project，开会。就像以前的日子。

但是下午当我坐在自己的cubicle时，有时会发呆。

好奇怪的感觉。

像有两个我，一个如往常过日子，一个却停了脚步。两个我活在同一个躯壳里， 造成心理矛盾。

我跟表姐说我不习惯这个改变。

表姐告诉我，“调查显示一个人做一样东西21次后，就会变成习惯。”

所以多九天，我就会习惯了。

习惯改变了我。

以前不曾有个人陪我，所以不怕一个人的生活。现在习惯有个人陪我，就觉得一个人就是寂寞孤单。

我是坚强的女人吗？可能吧。

但再坚强的女人，也会欢迎一个更坚强的男人的肩膀。

他不是。所以我不能怕一个人的生活。不管多久，我也要等那个男人。

以前我不能了解别人的伤心，现在我即使不能了解，但至少能体谅。

伤心的时候，最感激朋友的支持。 最惭愧自己以前因为恋情而忽略他们。

谢谢你们的关怀。

“木目心今心人尔”， 我明白这个句子了。 :D

P(survival on island) = 0

I've been thinking... if I ever get stranded on an island, I'm not going to be of much help. (This was inspired by watching too many episodes of Lost over the weekend.)

If I ever got stuck in the wilderness, I highly doubt my chances of survival. For one, I don't like weird creepy noises. How those people can walk around the jungle ALONE looking for food is beyond me. If I even so much as hear a cricket sound, I'm going to start running.

Oh and I was thinking... there's not much an actuary-wannabe can contribute to survival hor? I mean who cares about the probability of being mauled by a tiger? Doesn't matter if it's 0.003 or 0.87. When it happens, it happens.

And all those stuff about present value, credibility or valuations? Not gonna make a difference on an island.

Maybe I should go learn something useful. Like CPR or rock-climbing. Or maybe identifying poisonous plants from medicinal herbs. So that in the 0.000001% chance that I get shipwrecked or something, I can do something.

But am not interested in those. Ah well, I did plan on relearning French. Doesn't sound useful, but it was on the show anyway. :P

On another note, my cousin sister is a most wonderful person! She really knows how to console people. Makes me feel so much better after talking to her. Thanks a lot, biew jie. :D We are going to Mulu Caves in July! Remember to take leave oh. :P

Lost

Guess what I've been watching for the last few days? Lost Season 1!

Yeah, I know I'm like one of the last 10 people on Earth to watch it. But I still want to say: it's soooooooooo good!!!

For those who don't know that show, it's about a bunch of people who took a plane from Sydney to Los Angeles. Enroute, the plane crashed and they landed on a mysterious island. And these people are not the standard law-abiding citizens either. Almost all of them seem to have some dark or unspeakable past.

So many people have been bugging me to watch it since it first came out. And as usual, the more people keep making me do something, the more I don't want to do it. Hehe. But then I ran out of new Grey's Anatomy and Desperate Housewives episodes to watch, so I figured... why not?

It's so good! So good! SO GOOD!!!

WM should have sat me down and forced me to watch the first episode last time. Hehehe. How come people will force me to watch horror movies but not good dramas huh? Hmph. Mean people.

Now I'm going to make everyone watch Lost!

I like the way they set up the storyline. Weaving their pre-island lives with what's happening on the island. I always can't predict what's going to happen next. And the characters, I still can't decide if anyone is good or bad.

All this typing is making me want to watch another episode now! Oh, Grey's Anatomy is still the best though. :P

Insomnia

I can't sleep.

It's past my bedtime and I can't sleep. There are too many thoughts swirling in my head. I feel that chill coming back to me and there's an empty feeling inside my heart again. I'm drinking a glass of milk now because somebody told me that milk helps to induce sleep. I hope it does.

I just realized that there's nobody I can talk to right now. Almost everyone has gone somewhere. To Europe, to Hong Kong, or back home. My friends in Malaysia or Singapore are working, and my mum's out somewhere. Noone that I want to talk to is available.

I miss talking to you. There's no pretending about it. I've been talking to you for so many years, it's already a habit. And you know what they say about habits. Easy to pick up, tough to drop. How true. I've been trying to stop biting my nails for 4 years and I still haven't completely stopped.

So there's no way I can stop just like this right now. After all, this 'habit' was learned over 5 years. Yes, I know we are still friends and we don't have to stop talking. But what I mean is, I don't have to care the way I used to. I don't have to ask about some things anymore. Yet it's hard to distinguish that fine line between caring as a friend and as a lover.

The hardest part is recognizing that some things will never happen again. Some places I'll never go. Some stuff I'll never do. Are we supposed to forget them? Or just store them in a corner of our minds and never talk about those memories again? I don't understand. Am I allowed to fondly reminisce? Or is that a sign that I haven't moved on?

I do want to talk to you. Like friends who have grown older and wiser with each other's company. I want to go back to how it was before it all began, but with greater understanding and more inside jokes. And I hope that when life picks up its pace again, we'll keep in touch.

I think the milk has worked its magic. I'm off to bed.

Happy New Year!!

Happy New Year everyone!!! *fireworks display*

And with a spanking new 2007, comes a new blog layout! Ta-dah! What do you think? I love it! Best I can do with my copying and pasting skills. The background is supposed to make it look like I'm writing on recycled paper. And the tulips in the header, well that's because I like tulips. :)

Oh, press F5 and watch the "Quotes" section in the sidebar. And the row of tabs at the top are clickable and link to the blog posts with the corresponding labels. Isn't that cool? I have no idea how to write the code that does that.

So since this is the first blog entry for 2007, I figured I should start the year in the right path and do........ my new year resolutions!

First of all though, I need to revamp my lifetime goals a bit. I read somewhere that the best way to set lifetime goals is to figure out what I want people to say at my funeral. But that's just depressing. So I decided that I will write my goals as far-ranging as I can.

Here goes...

In my lifetime (as far I can see), I want to

• learn French, Russian, Spanish, and Japanese and any other language that I can
• travel the world, especially Greece, Italy, Argentina, the Caribbean islands and France
• learn how to dance... properly
• have enough free time everyday
• find my soul-mates
• stay close with my family, relatives and friends
• love someone with all my heart
• have someone who loves me with all his heart
• have a fulfilling and challenging career but not let it rule my life (this cannot be a 9-to-5 job!)
• meet people from different places and different cultures
• have an interesting story to tell my grand-kids when I become a cool grandma :P
• be fit and healthy and look good
• give generously without expecting anything in return
• follow through with my plans and not procrastinate
• be satisfied and at peace with who I am

The cross-outs are from my previous lifetime goals, italics are new additions. The goals are all pretty vague and general, except the first two. But I'm going to come up with a way of measuring how far I've achieved each one. Like say if I'm once again in an airport and late for my connecting flight, and I can run from gate A10 to D12 without feeling like my heart is going to burst, then I have achieved the "be fit and healthy" goal.

Alrighty, I'm not going to write my new year resolutions here because it's too personal. Oh but I want to say I've found a way to motivate myself to reach my goals. For every day/week/month that I follow through on what I plan to do, I'm going to put $1 into my imaginary piggy bank for vacation funds. E.g. if I plan to exercise twice a week and I did it this week, $1 is in the fund. Yeah I know $1 is not a lot, but I have A LOT of goals. And I'm not going to take out money if I don't reach my goals. I don't believe in denying oneself of pleasures. :P

At the end of this year, depending on how much is in my "piggy bank", Europe / Hawaii / Pulau Redang here I come!

(I sure hope it's Europe.)