1001 Books To Read Before You-Know-What

I just devoured Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro. The story turned out to be completely NOT what I thought it would be. Which is a good thing because I wasn't expecting much.

To avoid spoiling anybody's fun, I shall not summarize the story here. Okay okay, I'm just too lazy to write a synopsis. Go wikipedia it, or better yet, go read it. It's pretty good.

You know those lists of 1,001 things that you should do before you die? I found one for books. Since I was looking for recommendations on good books constantly, I figured this list will keep me occupied for a while.

I thought I've read quite a bit since young so I could cross off quite a few on that list.. but guess how many books on that list have I read? Seventeen. Out of 1,001. Not even 2%!!! Argh.

I figure on average I'll do 1 book every 2 weeks. I don't want to blaze through a book and then not remember anything about it one month later.. so I'll slowly savor it. That makes about 25 books a year, which means I'll finish the list in about... 40 years. Well it will definitely keep me occupied for a LONG while.

I'm now 3 books into the list. They have been very good. Definitely books that make me think and hopefully write better. They weren't books about fantasy worlds or unusual people. In fact, the characters were ordinary folk living a somewhat normal life. And yet, there's something about the way it is written that draws me in.

The thing that drew me into Never Let Me Go was the way it didn't explain everything upfront. I had so many questions at the beginning.. what does this mean.. why did that person say that.. etc. But then as I read further, it slowly reveals the answers one by one. So then I had to keep reading to know even more. And that is why I finished the book in one afternoon.

Whatever.. I'm late anyways...

This is my newest favorite clock...

How true.

Is "anyways" right?

PS: It's from Target and costs a whopping $100! Ouch.

对Facebook的感想

一直以来不是很喜欢Facebook

总觉得有点不亲切

是找到了很多失去联络的朋友

可是找到了也不代表真的联系上了

为了朋友单上充数而加的名字。。 还算朋友吗？

为何要通过Facebook知道你的最新消息？

我是为你高兴， 可是我宁愿等你告诉我

就算消息迟了，至少我没有那个偷窥的感觉。

似乎我还在原地， 但你们都已擦身而过。

谁来给我一点时间让我适应？

Facebook没有。

不如等我回来， 你再慢慢说故事给我听。

就这么一次， 好吗？

One day we were sitting at home...

dinner over...

dishes in the sink...

puppy asleep...

nothing good on TV...

hey hey what's this?

A webcam!

The Worst Month of Them All

My least favorite month has got to be February. It's not even a close contest. Sure January is pretty bad being cold and all, but at least it has New Year's Day. And the beginning of a new year always brings hope and anticipation. Hope for a good year and anticipation of the adventures in store for the next 12 months.

And what does February have to offer?

Nada.

No holidays no hope no anticipation nothing.

I dislike winter in general. The only part I like about it is that first day of snowfall, when the ground is covered in pure white snow and the world looks so calm. And then it gets old really fast. The melting snow seeping into my shoes, the cold brittle wind on my face, feeling lethargic constantly because it's cold outside, not being able to enjoy the outdoors......... etc. etc. etc.

It all starts in November. From the minute I first start wearing jackets, I silently wait for the day when I can pull out all my summer clothes again. By the time February comes along, it's just too much. Too much waiting. I get so sick and tired of it all. Staying indoors all the time is such a drag.

February depresses me the most. It's the month when I start second-guessing what I'm doing and where I'm at. A time when I feel like I need to get away from it all, uproot myself and go somewhere where everything's new and unknown and exciting.

It was in February that I applied to Drake because I was quite unhappy at Grinnell. Of course there were logical reasons for wanting to transfer to Drake (more exposure to actuarial science bla bla bla), but honestly I just wanted a change of scenery.

Thankfully, the good thing about February is it's the shortest month. When March arrives and the weather starts warming up, I forget all about my depression in February and promptly launch into spring mode. Spring is wonderful. It makes me so happy. In March, I forgot all about my application to Drake and loved being in Grinnell. There's nothing like that first day where it's warm enough to not wear a jacket. I just want to walk everywhere that day. It doesn't matter how far or how many other things I should be doing, there's no staying indoors that day.

In the end I did transfer to Drake. It was a good decision but I've always missed the experience I could have gotten if I stayed. I'm sure I wouldn't end up where I am now if I finished my college years at Grinnell.

So I'm hoping this February will go by as quickly as it can. I'm feeling the effects of February syndrome already and it sure isn't fun. Please March hurry up before I do something rash.

Back again! (Maybe)

Whoa it's been soooooooo long.. a year has almost gone by.

No inspiration to write yet, but I will.. someday.. when I feel like it.. not like anyone reads it anyway..

I just read my friend's blog.. it's been 10 years since she left her home.. she wrote a short chronicle of what happened in the last 10 years.. very interesting.. especially her school years.. I was mentioned in it too AND quoted :D :D :D

Let's see.. it's been almost 8 years for me.. I went to Singapore in January 2001.. I still remember that day very clearly..

But too lazy to write story now.. maybe later.

Night.

A letter for White Tulip

Hello White Tulip,

Wow it's been a while since I've been here huh?

It's not that I forgot about you. I've actually visited quite a bit, each time meaning to tell you the latest news in my life. But everytime I place my fingers on the keyboard, I can't decide what to type. And so I close the page, hoping for another day when the words would flow.

I've moved into my new apartment now. It's much bigger than the previous one, with a better layout. I haven't bought any furniture to fill it up, so at the moment the place looks quite empty with studio-accommodating furniture only. I should get a dining table at least. Preferably one that would also be useful during mahjong sessions.

Did I tell you last Saturday was my birthday? I got a lot of birthday wishes from friends and colleagues, but I only celebrated it with my boyfriend, just like I asked for. We went out for a nice dinner at Seviche. That was it. I already got my gifts the Thursday before, a large cuddly fluffy dog named Booboo Max and a hat in the style I always wanted.

I got an early birthday gift from the Society of Actuaries too: an email with a passing grade on it. Come January 4, 2008, 3.5 years after my first exam, I'll officially be an Associate.

Christmas will be here in 3 days. And once again, I'm celebrating it alone. I thought about traveling during this holiday, but in the end I decided it's just going to be you and me for some long self-reflecting conversations.

Are you ready?

-me-

Update 10.1

This just in: "I have nothing to write."

Pretty common theme nowadays, which explains the lack of blog posts.

Seeing as how this is supposed to be my venting grounds for anything that interests me, I don't understand why I feel compelled to write things that (I think) will interest other people. But I do. Darn it.

Following that compelling logic, I shouldn't be writing this post now... because honestly, me really has nothing interesting to say. But it's a chilly Saturday night and the boyfriend's asleep because of headache from very-tiring-and-long-afternoon-soccer-match, so I have nothing much to do besides...

1) study for upcoming exam or
2) update seemingly-abandoned-blog.

No points for guessing which one I chose.

Did I mention that I'm back in Louisville? It's been nearly a month since I came back. Life here is pretty much the same as before I left, except a few of my friends have left/will leave Louisville. It's so saddening when friends leave, even though we are happy for them. No doubt I'll meet and make new friends in time, but the friends who are gone always leave a void that's never quite filled by the new ones.

I just saw the photos from last weekend. Boy do I look weird.

Going to take an exam in 9 days. Do not feel the urgency at all. I've been trying to get back into study mode since a month ago. No success whatsoever. Still in eat-sleep-play-relax mode. It's so hard trying to study after an extremely long break.

The good news about this exam is I get to take the whole week off from work. The bad news? I need the whole week to work on the exam. Including sleeping and meal times. No kidding. I have plans for le boyfriend to serve me meals at my study desk for that entire week. Ok, no just joking. But I've heard it's hard and for the entire 96 hours that I get to work on the exam, I will only work on exam, eat, go to bathroom, sleep, repeat cycle.

Am currently on a Boy Meets World education course. By that I mean everytime during dinners, we would watch one or two episodes of said TV show. Because apparently it's the show of my generation and I have to watch it. I just have to. (do NOT ask me what generation is mine, because if you know me, you are probably in my generation okay? No age jokes allowed.) It's pretty nice. Funny and heartwarming at the same time. And it's not a too sickly sweet kind of heartwarming.

Feeling guilty. Going to study.

A Poem about Corporate Life

Written on a whiteboard at my friend's office:

Say already don't listen
Listen also don't understand
Understand already don't do
Do also do wrong
Wrong already don't admit
Admit also don't correct
Correct already not happy
Not happy also don't say...

Thought it was pretty funny... and true.

Yo-yo-ing

It's so odd.

There are some things that I need to let go of.. and occasionally I can come to accept them.. but sometimes they just bug me.

Sometimes I understand why it has to happen the way it did.. but sometimes I can't. I think understanding is not enough. I need to know for sure for me to let go. But some things we'll never find out because we can't ask. Some we'll never know even if we ask.

So what should I do? What am I supposed to do?

There are days when I feel angry, but blaming the other person while I feel like the innocent victim doesn't help. For one thing, I was not innocent, but what should I have done instead? I am not exactly sure.

In my more objective state of mind, I understand what's happening now. Haven't I seen it happen before to someone else? I know you mean well and it's better for you, but sometimes I feel bewildered.. as though someone sent me a half-torn map and expects me to know where the treasure is buried.

Am I supposed to ask you? Will you even admit it?

Someone wisely told me that nothing is forever.. and maybe a few months from now we'd be back where we started. But I doubt it. It's happened before and I've watched each one shatter. It's me, I know, who can't put the pieces back again.

But if I get the chance to choose again, I'd make the same choices. For I may have lost 2 eagles, but I've found my snowy owl.

Snapshots

Rare moment alert! I feel like posting photos on my blog. Omigosh. This is rare indeed. I shall sacrifice the obscenely long post I was going to write and post up photos instead.

Let the credits roll.

This was during Kentucky Derby. Derby is one of the biggest horse races in the US.. the winner gets $2 million.. meaning the horse is worth more than me. :S Photo was taken with my co-workers. The guys in the back row are on my team. This was also the first (and only) time I ate pineapples soaked in vodka/mojito/some-strong-alcoholic-drink-that-I-can't-remember. Ugh.. not too good.

My office's Poker Tournament! Very very unexpectedly I won 2nd place.. heehee.. had good luck that day. And some good hands. See my stack. See see. :D :D :D Btw it looks like something is stuck to my teeth hor? But there isn't! My original photo looks fine. Hmmm... weird.

My first skiing trip ever! Sooooo fun. You know how those professional skiers zigzag downhill? For some reason I can only zig right but cannot zag left. :S So I rush straight down until I freak out and fall down. Still fun though.

Played poker at Jim's birthday party. I swear I'm not becoming a poker junkie! Once my mahjong set comes back with yours truly to Louisville.. it'll be mahjong sessions! Muahahaha. And who is Jim? Jim is... if you don't know.. then come and ask me. I dare you. :p

And what's a birthday party without le cake giganto from la factorie cheesecake?

And guests who have to endure my piano playing...

... and politely wait for me to finish.

Last 2 photos completely irrelevant to everything above.. just because I likey.

Photo (a): furball who desperately needs some grooming


Photo (b): me. No it is not a studio shot. Long story about how I got this photo, but it looks decent yeah? :)

End of photo posting spree. Now go read something more meaningful.

Le Festin

Absolutely beautiful song.



The song is called Le Festin, is sung by Camille and comes from the movie, you-guessed-it, Ratatouille. I think I've heard it 48267 times already today. The movie, by the way, is very worth watching. If you haven't seen it yet, stop reading and go download watch it in the cinema right N-O-W.

I just fell in love with French all over again.

Managed to find the lyrics. Did not understand 99% of it. The remaining 1% I could recognize the words but what I thought it meant and what it actually meant was completely different. Eek.

No more learning Spanish! *pretending that I am still learning* (stopped a loooooong time ago)

I shall take up French again!

(But have to wait until I go back to Louisville and move to my own apartment and find a car and finish my next exam and attend APC and and and...)

__________

________ is making me oddly dissatisfied despite the fact that I'm enjoying a 60D/59N holiday package inclusive of all meals when desired and fluffy dog.

Don't know what ______ is. But whatever _______ is... it's making me antisocial.

Stupid stupid stupid stupid.

So I've been counting down on my MSN nick for a few days but I stopped. I think realizing that I have 3 weeks to spend at home until goodness-knows-when is not helping things. Not that I don't want to go back to Louisville though. In fact, I'm quite excited to go back this time. Will be so fun! Moving to a new place, getting more furniture (not really required but I can come up with reasons to buy when the time comes), finding my own car... all with someone's company.

But then I'll be leaving my family again. *sigh* Where's the win-win situation?

Other than that though, everything's going fine. The previous post is not exactly a reflection of what's happening right now. It's uh.. "loosely based on a true story... but more dramatic".

Eesh. Really bugging me.

Argh.

Grrr.

What a pointless post. Shall blog when have more meaningful things to say. Which might be a long long time from now.

不语的等待

我还能说什么

当初答应不变是你

如今默默离去亦是你

曾有雨天为我取暖

曾经孤独有你陪伴

曾经快乐共同分享

曾经一起想着未来

但我的未来或许

就只能想着曾经

已从错愕转为接受

虽然惋惜但我明白

是不平衡的关系

缩短永远的期限

你的付出

没有相对的回报

被宠坏当成自然

过了线的对待

归类为太热情

固执认为

有些事不会变

天真以为

有些话说了就真

知道有些地方出错

告诉我该如何挽回

装着没事

我太了解

你若选择离去

永远说不出口

而我

我还能说什么

My Spring @ Louisville

In the preceding months that I went missing, I..

Thunder-ed Over Louisville.

Ran with the Roses at the Kentucky Derby.

Ate some of the best sushi I ever tasted.

Won and lost at Texas Hold'em.

Ambushed and got ambushed while playing Laser Tag.

Went underground literally in the Mammoth Caves.

Tried Equadorian Ethiopian cuisine for the first time.

Putted a hole-in-one and a triple bogey in Miniature Golf.

Thought my arm was going to break after just 2 rounds of bowling.

Cooked my first few Malaysian dishes since I came to Louisville.

Settled for playing Wii Sports as "exercise".

Found a good place to eat Bibimbap with raw egg.

Watched more movies than I ever did during my 3 years in Iowa.

Joined the circle of life via the Lion King musical.

Picked up phrases from a Chinese dialect.

Ordered take-out from all the major fast food chains.

Felt bad for not updating my blog. Really.

Wolfed down home-made quesadillas.

Picked peaches and hand-fed an alpaca at Huber's Farm.

Wore jeans to work for an entire month.

Attended my own "temporarily-going-away" party hosted by my colleague.

Learned that "one and one is two".

What a wonderful spring. :)

Uh Oh

I deserve to be spanked.

How long have I not updated my blog?? One month and 13 days.

*embarrassed face*

I should not be allowed to re-enter my blog.

Blog entries should start disappearing one by one.

My spelling will slowly detirioraite from now on.

Will not be able. To write. In complete sentences.

Pun)ctuation: will? go, d'own the! drain(

Present and past tenses? What were that?

Forget sentence proper structures will I.

In fact, ingleese is don't I kno!w not.

钥匙

我不是故意的。

这么多年了，因为有他，所以习惯拒绝别人。

如今没有他，却还没把习惯改过来。

所以当我把你推在门外，请你不要放弃。

我其实在门后等着你。

只是有点忘了怎么开门。

手里握着的钥匙，还不敢交给你。

曾经说不能因为一次的经历而不敢再爱。

曾经说不能因为一次的经历而怕受伤害。

可是还是有点担心。

我才刚开始适应一个人的生活。

习惯一个人睡觉。

习惯出去玩不用向人交代。

我不想把刚规律好的生活重新整理一遍。

我不敢。

我还记得几个月前的伤。

还记得那些失眠的夜晚。

所以当你逗我开心时，我心里没忘爱可以有多痛。

因为不敢被伤， 也不敢伤你，所以掩藏自己的感觉。

可以给我多一点时间吗？

假如你是真心的，时间可以翻倒我心里那座墙。

假如你是有意的，不要因为我看似冷淡而气馁。

要多少时间？

我不知道。

你可以等吗？

等到有一天，我会主动握住你的手。

等到有一天，我敢依赖你。

等到有一天，我翻译我内心的话给你听。

那一天，你就会知道。。。

我已经悄悄把钥匙交给你了。

Are you meant for me?

(I just remembered I made a list of "blogs-to-come" at the right column and I NEVER did write any of those. It's about time I start clearing the list. So here goes the first entry...)

Classic-but-highly-delusional-version:

Everyone has someone and only one who is meant for them.

Modified-and-more-realistic-version:

There are ten people out there for every person. If you are lucky enough to find one out of these ten, then you would live together happily ever after.

Note: These ten people are ranked in order. For example, the #1 person for Daniel Wu (which is me of course) is most meant to be with Daniel Wu. His #2 person, let's say her name is Sheau Chin (oh wait that's still me but what do you care), is the next most compatible with him. And so on. The ranking is reciprocal too. So whoever happens to be Daniel Wu's #5 person (which is probably still me) will have Daniel Wu on her list as #5.

A while back, I was talking to a friend about this. I asked her if she believed that she would find the right person for her. The modified version was what my friend told me. She didn't believe that there was only one person for her, she believed there was ten.

So I asked her if she did find one of them, would she know that he is the one meant for her. Or would she always be guessing? She said when she meets him, she would just instinctively know that he is one of the ten. Gut feeling.

So I asked her again, what if she meets 2 of them at the same time? Which one would she pick? Or worse, what if she was lucky enough to meet more than 2 at the same time? What now? That was why she came up with that ranking system. So she would just pick the one that's higher up on the compatibility ladder.

Then I asked her if that meant she would also instinctively know which one is ranked higher? At which point she said yes and told me to zip it.

That discussion happened a few months ago. At first, I agreed with her. Well maybe not ten people exactly, but a few people somewhere out there who were meant for me. Who, when we meet, would spark a fire so strong that it would take a lifetime and then a bit more to burn out.

I've had some time to mull over that discussion. And no.. I don't believe that there are people who are simply born to be meant for each other for life. Maybe there are people who are especially compatible with each other, but the level of compatibility can change with time.

People change. Our tastes, our hobbies, our goals, our desires, our interests. We change everyday. And with that, what we need from other people. So yes, there may be ten people who are just right for me now. But will we be right for each other forever? Who knows? Maybe when we change, we don't change in the right direction. So in that set of ten people, 5 of them are not compatible with me anymore. And because of changes, another 5 who were not in the list gets added.

I believe that at certain times in life, there are certain people (note not just one) who are more likely to fall in love. And when I move to a different stage in life, hopefully we will still be right for each other. But it's not a must. It's not a fact. It's not for sure. So if we change and we find that we are holding on just because and it's not working even though we tried, then it's time to let go. Maybe we'll lose a lover but gain a confidante, or maybe we'll find that even as friends we don't click anymore.

Do I believe that I'll find someone who would grow with me? I don't know. It doesn't hurt to hope. But I know I'm not ready yet. Have I already met the one who's right for me now? Who knows? Oh that's another thing, I don't believe I can instinctively tell that someone's the one for me. Guess I have no gut feelings. But I do know one thing... Daniel Wu's on my list no matter what.

Still Alive...

It's April already!

Didn't fool anyone on April 1st though. Thought about it, but couldn't think of a good trick to play on people. April Fool's Day just isn't the same as it was back in the good ol' high school days. Back then we really had to be careful every single second of the day. Now I barely remember that it was April Fool's Day.

Anyway here comes April! Dawn of spring, beginning of a fresh month, start of the second quarter and........... a new hair color! I got red highlights! :D Love it! It's kind of like my hair color in the beginning of last year, but I can't really remember that color anymore. Now my hair is brown with a just a little red under white light, but under yellow light... it's quite red. Love it under yellow light. Wish it was red under all kinds of light. I will probably make it even redder the next time I go for touch ups. And nope, no photos to show. Too lazy.

I went to watch a piano performance yesterday with a bunch of my friends. Performed by Sa Chen. She was amazing. She played this one song (don't remember the title anymore, I seem to not remember a lot of things nowadays), it was so sad.. my eyes were watering just listening to it. So kua huh? But it's true. I miss playing my piano. Not that I'm very good, but still.

Oh, and Saturday I went to watch Blades of Glory. Wasn't something that I actually planned on watching. After dinner, my friend and I were thinking of going out somewhere and I didn't want to go a bar anymore (because of reasons I'll explain below), so we decided to watch a movie. And Blades of Glory looked the most appealing. It's quite funny, in a guy sort of way. Definitely a feel good movie.

It's kinda sad that Blades of Glory was the most appealing movie though. But I was watching all the trailers... and there's so many movies I want to watch starting in May!!!!! Sooooooo many movies!! I cannot remember what movies already but I know there's a lot. Because after every single trailer I would lean over to my friend and say I've GOT to watch that movie. After every SINGLE trailer. And now I can only remember Spidey 3 and Pirates of the Caribbean.

(Side note: "I don't remember" is a recurring theme in this blog. My memory is failing. Time to buy some gingko balobas.)

Ok, time to write about last Friday. So I went to get highlights after work and left the salon around 8 pm. Joined my friends for Happy Hour after that. Was "happy" for about 2.5 hours and everything went downhill from then on. I mean seriously downhill. I think it was because 1) I didn't have anything to eat since 9 am that morning so had an empty stomach and 2) I mixed drinks again. Why do I never learn NOT to mix drinks? Why? Why why why? Why do I have to gulp down every single drink that other people give me? That's it, no more drinks for this girl here. Well.... at least until the end of this month. :D

This is going to be another great month. I can feel it already!

Philosophical Questions

Philosophical question:

Which is worse? Having too many expectations? Or having none at all?

I think expectations are a scary thing.

What I've never had, I won't yearn for. What I've never done, I won't miss. But once something happens, maybe a few times or maybe just once, I'll learn to expect it.

And when it doesn't happen again, it'll throw me off. I'll get restless and impatient. Waiting for it to happen soon, and for as long as it doesn't, it'll affect my mood.

But when it does, it'll make me happy all day.

So my mood yo-yos from one end to the other end all the time. Which is fun when it's on the high end, not so fun when it's on the low side.

Which brings me to philosophical question 2:

Would you rather.. be ecstatically happy one week but feel down the next? Or feel neutral all the time?

I would definitely pick the first one. No doubt about it.

Yeah, feeling down is not fun. But the week where I'm ecstatically happy more than makes up for it.

I have mood swings. That's an established fact since a million years ago.

So there are times when I feel really really really happy. When I can't stop smiling and I just feel like telling everyone that I'm very happy. But why am I happy? Sometimes I don't even know. I just am. :D

Then sometimes I will feel a bit blue. For no particular reason at all too. Cause personally, I don't think anything bad really happens to me that often. It's not like I'm sad, just feels a bit off. A bit detached from the world. Don't feel like talking to people as much. I want to be alone but I also want to tell someone about it.

But I know soon enough, I will hit the "ecstatic phase" again. And then everything will be fine once more.