The Worst Month of Them All

My least favorite month has got to be February. It's not even a close contest. Sure January is pretty bad being cold and all, but at least it has New Year's Day. And the beginning of a new year always brings hope and anticipation. Hope for a good year and anticipation of the adventures in store for the next 12 months.

And what does February have to offer?

Nada.

No holidays no hope no anticipation nothing.

I dislike winter in general. The only part I like about it is that first day of snowfall, when the ground is covered in pure white snow and the world looks so calm. And then it gets old really fast. The melting snow seeping into my shoes, the cold brittle wind on my face, feeling lethargic constantly because it's cold outside, not being able to enjoy the outdoors......... etc. etc. etc.

It all starts in November. From the minute I first start wearing jackets, I silently wait for the day when I can pull out all my summer clothes again. By the time February comes along, it's just too much. Too much waiting. I get so sick and tired of it all. Staying indoors all the time is such a drag.

February depresses me the most. It's the month when I start second-guessing what I'm doing and where I'm at. A time when I feel like I need to get away from it all, uproot myself and go somewhere where everything's new and unknown and exciting.

It was in February that I applied to Drake because I was quite unhappy at Grinnell. Of course there were logical reasons for wanting to transfer to Drake (more exposure to actuarial science bla bla bla), but honestly I just wanted a change of scenery.

Thankfully, the good thing about February is it's the shortest month. When March arrives and the weather starts warming up, I forget all about my depression in February and promptly launch into spring mode. Spring is wonderful. It makes me so happy. In March, I forgot all about my application to Drake and loved being in Grinnell. There's nothing like that first day where it's warm enough to not wear a jacket. I just want to walk everywhere that day. It doesn't matter how far or how many other things I should be doing, there's no staying indoors that day.

In the end I did transfer to Drake. It was a good decision but I've always missed the experience I could have gotten if I stayed. I'm sure I wouldn't end up where I am now if I finished my college years at Grinnell.

So I'm hoping this February will go by as quickly as it can. I'm feeling the effects of February syndrome already and it sure isn't fun. Please March hurry up before I do something rash.

Back again! (Maybe)

Whoa it's been soooooooo long.. a year has almost gone by.

No inspiration to write yet, but I will.. someday.. when I feel like it.. not like anyone reads it anyway..

I just read my friend's blog.. it's been 10 years since she left her home.. she wrote a short chronicle of what happened in the last 10 years.. very interesting.. especially her school years.. I was mentioned in it too AND quoted :D :D :D

Let's see.. it's been almost 8 years for me.. I went to Singapore in January 2001.. I still remember that day very clearly..

But too lazy to write story now.. maybe later.

Night.

A letter for White Tulip

Hello White Tulip,

Wow it's been a while since I've been here huh?

It's not that I forgot about you. I've actually visited quite a bit, each time meaning to tell you the latest news in my life. But everytime I place my fingers on the keyboard, I can't decide what to type. And so I close the page, hoping for another day when the words would flow.

I've moved into my new apartment now. It's much bigger than the previous one, with a better layout. I haven't bought any furniture to fill it up, so at the moment the place looks quite empty with studio-accommodating furniture only. I should get a dining table at least. Preferably one that would also be useful during mahjong sessions.

Did I tell you last Saturday was my birthday? I got a lot of birthday wishes from friends and colleagues, but I only celebrated it with my boyfriend, just like I asked for. We went out for a nice dinner at Seviche. That was it. I already got my gifts the Thursday before, a large cuddly fluffy dog named Booboo Max and a hat in the style I always wanted.

I got an early birthday gift from the Society of Actuaries too: an email with a passing grade on it. Come January 4, 2008, 3.5 years after my first exam, I'll officially be an Associate.

Christmas will be here in 3 days. And once again, I'm celebrating it alone. I thought about traveling during this holiday, but in the end I decided it's just going to be you and me for some long self-reflecting conversations.

Are you ready?

-me-

Update 10.1

This just in: "I have nothing to write."

Pretty common theme nowadays, which explains the lack of blog posts.

Seeing as how this is supposed to be my venting grounds for anything that interests me, I don't understand why I feel compelled to write things that (I think) will interest other people. But I do. Darn it.

Following that compelling logic, I shouldn't be writing this post now... because honestly, me really has nothing interesting to say. But it's a chilly Saturday night and the boyfriend's asleep because of headache from very-tiring-and-long-afternoon-soccer-match, so I have nothing much to do besides...

1) study for upcoming exam or
2) update seemingly-abandoned-blog.

No points for guessing which one I chose.

Did I mention that I'm back in Louisville? It's been nearly a month since I came back. Life here is pretty much the same as before I left, except a few of my friends have left/will leave Louisville. It's so saddening when friends leave, even though we are happy for them. No doubt I'll meet and make new friends in time, but the friends who are gone always leave a void that's never quite filled by the new ones.

I just saw the photos from last weekend. Boy do I look weird.

Going to take an exam in 9 days. Do not feel the urgency at all. I've been trying to get back into study mode since a month ago. No success whatsoever. Still in eat-sleep-play-relax mode. It's so hard trying to study after an extremely long break.

The good news about this exam is I get to take the whole week off from work. The bad news? I need the whole week to work on the exam. Including sleeping and meal times. No kidding. I have plans for le boyfriend to serve me meals at my study desk for that entire week. Ok, no just joking. But I've heard it's hard and for the entire 96 hours that I get to work on the exam, I will only work on exam, eat, go to bathroom, sleep, repeat cycle.

Am currently on a Boy Meets World education course. By that I mean everytime during dinners, we would watch one or two episodes of said TV show. Because apparently it's the show of my generation and I have to watch it. I just have to. (do NOT ask me what generation is mine, because if you know me, you are probably in my generation okay? No age jokes allowed.) It's pretty nice. Funny and heartwarming at the same time. And it's not a too sickly sweet kind of heartwarming.

Feeling guilty. Going to study.

A Poem about Corporate Life

Written on a whiteboard at my friend's office:

Say already don't listen
Listen also don't understand
Understand already don't do
Do also do wrong
Wrong already don't admit
Admit also don't correct
Correct already not happy
Not happy also don't say...

Thought it was pretty funny... and true.

Yo-yo-ing

It's so odd.

There are some things that I need to let go of.. and occasionally I can come to accept them.. but sometimes they just bug me.

Sometimes I understand why it has to happen the way it did.. but sometimes I can't. I think understanding is not enough. I need to know for sure for me to let go. But some things we'll never find out because we can't ask. Some we'll never know even if we ask.

So what should I do? What am I supposed to do?

There are days when I feel angry, but blaming the other person while I feel like the innocent victim doesn't help. For one thing, I was not innocent, but what should I have done instead? I am not exactly sure.

In my more objective state of mind, I understand what's happening now. Haven't I seen it happen before to someone else? I know you mean well and it's better for you, but sometimes I feel bewildered.. as though someone sent me a half-torn map and expects me to know where the treasure is buried.

Am I supposed to ask you? Will you even admit it?

Someone wisely told me that nothing is forever.. and maybe a few months from now we'd be back where we started. But I doubt it. It's happened before and I've watched each one shatter. It's me, I know, who can't put the pieces back again.

But if I get the chance to choose again, I'd make the same choices. For I may have lost 2 eagles, but I've found my snowy owl.

Snapshots

Rare moment alert! I feel like posting photos on my blog. Omigosh. This is rare indeed. I shall sacrifice the obscenely long post I was going to write and post up photos instead.

Let the credits roll.

This was during Kentucky Derby. Derby is one of the biggest horse races in the US.. the winner gets $2 million.. meaning the horse is worth more than me. :S Photo was taken with my co-workers. The guys in the back row are on my team. This was also the first (and only) time I ate pineapples soaked in vodka/mojito/some-strong-alcoholic-drink-that-I-can't-remember. Ugh.. not too good.

My office's Poker Tournament! Very very unexpectedly I won 2nd place.. heehee.. had good luck that day. And some good hands. See my stack. See see. :D :D :D Btw it looks like something is stuck to my teeth hor? But there isn't! My original photo looks fine. Hmmm... weird.

My first skiing trip ever! Sooooo fun. You know how those professional skiers zigzag downhill? For some reason I can only zig right but cannot zag left. :S So I rush straight down until I freak out and fall down. Still fun though.

Played poker at Jim's birthday party. I swear I'm not becoming a poker junkie! Once my mahjong set comes back with yours truly to Louisville.. it'll be mahjong sessions! Muahahaha. And who is Jim? Jim is... if you don't know.. then come and ask me. I dare you. :p

And what's a birthday party without le cake giganto from la factorie cheesecake?

And guests who have to endure my piano playing...

... and politely wait for me to finish.

Last 2 photos completely irrelevant to everything above.. just because I likey.

Photo (a): furball who desperately needs some grooming


Photo (b): me. No it is not a studio shot. Long story about how I got this photo, but it looks decent yeah? :)

End of photo posting spree. Now go read something more meaningful.