Looking Back Looking Ahead

Let's talk about 2006.

I wrote a letter to Santa in 2005 as a recap of the year, but this Christmas I decided not to write to Santa anymore. Didn't have any wishes to ask. Besides, I'm getting too old to write to Santa.

2006.. hmm.. lots of "first"s in that year.

It started off with a bang. Literally. I spent New Year's eve in Las Vegas with my gorgeous roommie. Who's off to Europe right now looking for Parisian hunks. I hope she's successful, cause she has promised to bring home one for me. Keke.

Oops digressed a bit there.

2006 was a year of change. I changed from "student" to "actuarial analyst". Can't sleep in just because I feel like it anymore. No more homework or assignments. No more eating in Hubbell. Have to dress up properly everyday. Have to act professional.

I moved from Des Moines to Louisville. All alone. A little scary but quite liberating as well. I'm finally living alone after 5 years of dorm life. I love having roommates though. Miss all my roommies.

I visited a few places. The Grand Canyon, House on the Rock (Wisconsin), Disney World! (Orlando), and St Louis (Missouri). Had a lot of fun.

I went home finally after almost 3 years. So many things changed but so many things didn't change as well. I ate a lot of good food, met all my cousins and friends and relived the 'mamak' experience. Which made me feel that the best place to be is still home. Even if the quality of life is supposedly not as good, even if I don't earn as much there, home will always be home.

And 2006 ended with another bang. A different kind. After a little more than 5 years, I'm now single, available but not desperate. Yet. Keke. Back to where I began, but older and wiser. It's been a good journey, and I'm ready for a new chapter in my life.

I left last year with a lot of questions and some confusion. This year, I might not get all the answers I want, but I will do my best to search for them.

I spent last year doing all the things that I thought I should do, whether I want to or not. I started things with my heart, but let my head overrule everything. This year I'm going to follow my heart, and do what I really really want.

Last year I spent too much time studying and working. This year I want to pay more attention to my family (including my cousins) and friends.

If 2006 was a transition year, I want 2007 to be a year of self-discovery. It's going to be all about the me inside. :)

Winterfest 2007!

Last Saturday, our department had an event called Winterfest. Which is a fancy way of saying "annual new year dinner".

It was quite fun. Dressing up and meeting my colleagues' wives/ husbands/ girlfriends/ boyfriends after hearing about them for so long.

The food itself was okay, there was cheesecake! Although I think I've been pampered by very good tiramisu, so cheesecake doesn't have as much appeal anymore.

There's a Happy Hour coming up in two weeks! I think my department has tons of activities going on. One luncheon per month, potlucks every now and then, one happy hour per month, and then during summer there's softball, volleyball, soccer, scavenger hunts, farm outings...... I can't wait for summer already!

As promised, here are photos from Winterfest:

This is me, posing before leaving for Winterfest. Don't tell me you don't take photos of yourself when you are dressed up. :P I don't know why I'm holding the camera at that angle.



Sabrina and Jazz sit in the same "six-pack" (cubicle cluster) as I do. Baiyun is Jazz's guest. Sabrina's a reeeeeeeally nice person. She and I go grocery shopping together every Thursday. And we eat lunch together. Seriously, I don't know what I'd do without her in Louisville.



Jason and Alan also sit in my cluster. I didn't take a photo with the girl missing from our "six-pack" though. Shoulda. Rebecca is Dan's roommate. I work with Dan ALOT. Somehow we keep getting thrown into the same project teams. He's fun though. Jason and Alan keeps bullying him about giving me too much stuff to do. And I don't bother correcting them. Kekeke.



Okay, it's too much trouble making borders for all these photos. So that's it for show and tell. :P

夜晚的心声

什么时候最难熬？夜深人静的时候。

什么日子最难过？每星期习惯和他聊天的时间。

越来越难入眠。

每晚躺在床上，反反复复地回想。 回想好的从前，也回想不好的从前。

不要告诉我别想这么多。

我要一直想，想到我自己不想再想了。

夜晚心里特别寂寞。

月亮反映出我的孤单。

我趴在床上，用手撑着头， 看着外面的街灯车辆广告牌。

外面的世界一如往常。

我的世界却彻底地变了， 可是表面上看来，我的日子没有很大的改变。

每天照样上班。 同事中只有一个知道我的事。所以对他们来说，我还是我。

把私事和公事划清，有时让我感觉很不协调。 好像有两个面具。

偶然发现有个同事的父亲去世了，我猜他不想别人知道。

我看他上班，和往常没什么不一样，但是他内心是怎么样的？应该很伤心吧。

我每天上班，和同事聊天，一起做project，开会。就像以前的日子。

但是下午当我坐在自己的cubicle时，有时会发呆。

好奇怪的感觉。

像有两个我，一个如往常过日子，一个却停了脚步。两个我活在同一个躯壳里， 造成心理矛盾。

我跟表姐说我不习惯这个改变。

表姐告诉我，“调查显示一个人做一样东西21次后，就会变成习惯。”

所以多九天，我就会习惯了。

习惯改变了我。

以前不曾有个人陪我，所以不怕一个人的生活。现在习惯有个人陪我，就觉得一个人就是寂寞孤单。

我是坚强的女人吗？可能吧。

但再坚强的女人，也会欢迎一个更坚强的男人的肩膀。

他不是。所以我不能怕一个人的生活。不管多久，我也要等那个男人。

以前我不能了解别人的伤心，现在我即使不能了解，但至少能体谅。

伤心的时候，最感激朋友的支持。 最惭愧自己以前因为恋情而忽略他们。

谢谢你们的关怀。

“木目心今心人尔”， 我明白这个句子了。 :D

P(survival on island) = 0

I've been thinking... if I ever get stranded on an island, I'm not going to be of much help. (This was inspired by watching too many episodes of Lost over the weekend.)

If I ever got stuck in the wilderness, I highly doubt my chances of survival. For one, I don't like weird creepy noises. How those people can walk around the jungle ALONE looking for food is beyond me. If I even so much as hear a cricket sound, I'm going to start running.

Oh and I was thinking... there's not much an actuary-wannabe can contribute to survival hor? I mean who cares about the probability of being mauled by a tiger? Doesn't matter if it's 0.003 or 0.87. When it happens, it happens.

And all those stuff about present value, credibility or valuations? Not gonna make a difference on an island.

Maybe I should go learn something useful. Like CPR or rock-climbing. Or maybe identifying poisonous plants from medicinal herbs. So that in the 0.000001% chance that I get shipwrecked or something, I can do something.

But am not interested in those. Ah well, I did plan on relearning French. Doesn't sound useful, but it was on the show anyway. :P

On another note, my cousin sister is a most wonderful person! She really knows how to console people. Makes me feel so much better after talking to her. Thanks a lot, biew jie. :D We are going to Mulu Caves in July! Remember to take leave oh. :P

Lost

Guess what I've been watching for the last few days? Lost Season 1!

Yeah, I know I'm like one of the last 10 people on Earth to watch it. But I still want to say: it's soooooooooo good!!!

For those who don't know that show, it's about a bunch of people who took a plane from Sydney to Los Angeles. Enroute, the plane crashed and they landed on a mysterious island. And these people are not the standard law-abiding citizens either. Almost all of them seem to have some dark or unspeakable past.

So many people have been bugging me to watch it since it first came out. And as usual, the more people keep making me do something, the more I don't want to do it. Hehe. But then I ran out of new Grey's Anatomy and Desperate Housewives episodes to watch, so I figured... why not?

It's so good! So good! SO GOOD!!!

WM should have sat me down and forced me to watch the first episode last time. Hehehe. How come people will force me to watch horror movies but not good dramas huh? Hmph. Mean people.

Now I'm going to make everyone watch Lost!

I like the way they set up the storyline. Weaving their pre-island lives with what's happening on the island. I always can't predict what's going to happen next. And the characters, I still can't decide if anyone is good or bad.

All this typing is making me want to watch another episode now! Oh, Grey's Anatomy is still the best though. :P

Insomnia

I can't sleep.

It's past my bedtime and I can't sleep. There are too many thoughts swirling in my head. I feel that chill coming back to me and there's an empty feeling inside my heart again. I'm drinking a glass of milk now because somebody told me that milk helps to induce sleep. I hope it does.

I just realized that there's nobody I can talk to right now. Almost everyone has gone somewhere. To Europe, to Hong Kong, or back home. My friends in Malaysia or Singapore are working, and my mum's out somewhere. Noone that I want to talk to is available.

I miss talking to you. There's no pretending about it. I've been talking to you for so many years, it's already a habit. And you know what they say about habits. Easy to pick up, tough to drop. How true. I've been trying to stop biting my nails for 4 years and I still haven't completely stopped.

So there's no way I can stop just like this right now. After all, this 'habit' was learned over 5 years. Yes, I know we are still friends and we don't have to stop talking. But what I mean is, I don't have to care the way I used to. I don't have to ask about some things anymore. Yet it's hard to distinguish that fine line between caring as a friend and as a lover.

The hardest part is recognizing that some things will never happen again. Some places I'll never go. Some stuff I'll never do. Are we supposed to forget them? Or just store them in a corner of our minds and never talk about those memories again? I don't understand. Am I allowed to fondly reminisce? Or is that a sign that I haven't moved on?

I do want to talk to you. Like friends who have grown older and wiser with each other's company. I want to go back to how it was before it all began, but with greater understanding and more inside jokes. And I hope that when life picks up its pace again, we'll keep in touch.

I think the milk has worked its magic. I'm off to bed.

Happy New Year!!

Happy New Year everyone!!! *fireworks display*

And with a spanking new 2007, comes a new blog layout! Ta-dah! What do you think? I love it! Best I can do with my copying and pasting skills. The background is supposed to make it look like I'm writing on recycled paper. And the tulips in the header, well that's because I like tulips. :)

Oh, press F5 and watch the "Quotes" section in the sidebar. And the row of tabs at the top are clickable and link to the blog posts with the corresponding labels. Isn't that cool? I have no idea how to write the code that does that.

So since this is the first blog entry for 2007, I figured I should start the year in the right path and do........ my new year resolutions!

First of all though, I need to revamp my lifetime goals a bit. I read somewhere that the best way to set lifetime goals is to figure out what I want people to say at my funeral. But that's just depressing. So I decided that I will write my goals as far-ranging as I can.

Here goes...

In my lifetime (as far I can see), I want to

• learn French, Russian, Spanish, and Japanese and any other language that I can
• travel the world, especially Greece, Italy, Argentina, the Caribbean islands and France
• learn how to dance... properly
• have enough free time everyday
• find my soul-mates
• stay close with my family, relatives and friends
• love someone with all my heart
• have someone who loves me with all his heart
• have a fulfilling and challenging career but not let it rule my life (this cannot be a 9-to-5 job!)
• meet people from different places and different cultures
• have an interesting story to tell my grand-kids when I become a cool grandma :P
• be fit and healthy and look good
• give generously without expecting anything in return
• follow through with my plans and not procrastinate
• be satisfied and at peace with who I am

The cross-outs are from my previous lifetime goals, italics are new additions. The goals are all pretty vague and general, except the first two. But I'm going to come up with a way of measuring how far I've achieved each one. Like say if I'm once again in an airport and late for my connecting flight, and I can run from gate A10 to D12 without feeling like my heart is going to burst, then I have achieved the "be fit and healthy" goal.

Alrighty, I'm not going to write my new year resolutions here because it's too personal. Oh but I want to say I've found a way to motivate myself to reach my goals. For every day/week/month that I follow through on what I plan to do, I'm going to put $1 into my imaginary piggy bank for vacation funds. E.g. if I plan to exercise twice a week and I did it this week, $1 is in the fund. Yeah I know $1 is not a lot, but I have A LOT of goals. And I'm not going to take out money if I don't reach my goals. I don't believe in denying oneself of pleasures. :P

At the end of this year, depending on how much is in my "piggy bank", Europe / Hawaii / Pulau Redang here I come!

(I sure hope it's Europe.)