My Christmas Day

When I woke up this morning, I spent a minute lying on my bed, wondering if I dreamt about all that happened last night.

Then I realized I didn't. That it was real. So I went back to sleep.

When I woke up next, again I thought if it was all a dream.

Again I realized it wasn't. But this time I got out of bed.

I didn't do much today. I figured I deserve a break. A whole day of planning to do nothing and sticking with the plan. Instead of planning to do something and end up not doing anything anyway.

So I did a Desperate Housewives marathon. Season 3 is pretty good. Much better than Season 2, though I still think Season 1 beats them all. Did 9 episodes today, 2 more left to go.

The day went by pretty quickly, watching the series kept my mind off some things. It still hit home everytime I stopped in between episodes though. But I'm glad for the way I spent the day. If I didn't mourn at all, I would be so worried about myself.

I wrote myself a letter today. Just in case days or weeks or maybe months from now, when I begin to forget, I can remind myself why this is the way it should be. It's stuck on my fridge door now, and I've read it three times. Not that I have forgotten, but it keeps me calm.

I feel a constant chill in my apartment. I don't know if it's because it's colder outside today or it's just me. The feeling that I always get when I'm on a rollercoaster that's about to plunge straight down? How my heart is just about to leap out of my body? I felt like that all day. But my heart won't leap out and let me be. It insists on staying put, tugging at me.

But I'll be fine. I am fine. Fine in the sense that I need to feel sad now so that I can feel happy next time. So don't ask me if I'm fine or not. Because you already know what I'll say. What else can I say? What would you say if I said I wasn't fine? I wouldn't know how to answer myself, so I won't put you through it.

Tomorrow I'm going to the office, even though it's still my vacation. I can't write my report in my apartment, and I really want to finish it. So let tomorrow come. And I'll deal with myself one day at a time.

谢谢你

终于放了。

我还是懦弱的。 还好我们之中， 有一个肯走出第一步。

谢谢你肯诚实主动地告诉我，我一直不敢问的问题。

我没有恨， 也没有怨。 毕竟是我曾经的决定演变成现在的局面。

其实当初就不应该走回头路。

我等这一天， 等了一年。

这一天到了，不用再等它的来临，倒还有种解脱的感觉。

说我不难过是假的。

心在隐隐作痛。

会痛，是好的。

我们曾经拥有的，是值得好好伤心一番。

五年了，你是我成长的一部分。不是，你是我永远的一部分。

我们还会是很好的朋友。

毕竟现在的感觉，不就是走向知己了。

我知道，我们会比现在快乐。

谢谢你。

What I did on Christmas eve

I just wrote a bunch of stuff which I decided to delete. Sounded too self-pitying and depressing.

I have so many things swimming in my head now. I think I'll burst if I don't jot it down soon.

So half of my holidays is over now, and what have I done? Nada. I've done nothing that I said I'll be doing during my holidays. My stupid STUPID report is still not written and I haven't thought of my new year's resolutions yet.

But I have finished watching Season 3 of Grey's Anatomy! Well 10 episodes to be exact since Season 3 is still going on. It's incredibly good! Just strikes a chord in my heart everytime. So funny too.

And I had Peking duck on Friday. Mmm.. it was good. Cannot compare to the one I had in Beijing, but still pretty authentic. Had dimsum this afternoon too. :)

It's 9 pm now and I have been telling myself to start on the report since 2.30 pm. This is by far the worst one. Eeesh. The instructions document is 12 pages long. By the time I get to page 12, I have already forgotten what's on page 1. And then I have to reread the whole thing. And the (intentionally?) vague wording doesn't help.

I don't like writing reports and I don't like answering questions that have no clear-cut answers. On the bright side though, I do get A LOT OF satisfaction when I finish one. And I am learning a lot. And I'll be such a proficient report-writer by the time I am done. (Eight reports to write in total.) But still!

Ah, I'll finish the report tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm going to look for more shows to watch.

第一步

明天开始，放四天假。 星期一是圣诞节，星期二是自己请的假。

这四天我什么地方都不去了。

朋友问我，去拉斯韦加斯？我说飞机票太贵。去芝加哥？不要了。去附近滑雪骑马？也推了。

我想要在这几天，好好想一想。

最近脑子里感觉很乱。 好象一堆没有关连的思路，在十字路口搅乱了，所以一直团团转。

可能最近工作比较忙，而且回到家没多久就睡了，所以没有自己的空间。

我不开心吗？好像不是。

生活挺顺利的。和同事混熟了，生活有了规律，工作也在进展中。

可是内心有一个角落是空的。

我以为有个人可以帮我填，却没有。找别人帮我填，却是有心也填不了。

很多东西，我肯，也只要，自己一个人面对。为独这一个，我连第一步也踏不出。

趁这四天， 我想看清我有什么。为自己能有的感恩一下。

然后草拟一份地图，画出我想走的路。

画完后，看一眼记在心里。然后把它忘了，每一天不为将来，只为今天而活。

有太多东西我一直认为我需要。有太多时候我沉浸在自己的梦里。

可惜我想要的东西不能并存，但我很是执著的两个都要。结果两个都得不到。

我不想拖。这不是暧昧，这只是猜测。这没有对未来的幢景，这只有对未来的不肯定。

我不能再给时间，也不能再找借口。

因为我好像发现问题的根源了。

今天吃晚餐，得到一个 fortune cookie。

“The greatest risk is not taking one”

所以这四天里面，我要为明年的改变踏出第一步。

Another Dry Spell

Hmm.. having a dry spell on my blog.

It's been one crazy week. I have been busy all week, and this weekend I will be busy too!

Oh, I bought myself a birthday present. :D So happy, been wanting one since late October. I also got something for free this morning! This is such a good week. Heehee.

Ah, I will update when I have time.

Let 'someone' know first, so don't 'bitch' that I didn't update my blog. Though apparently I'm the one who's doing all the bitching hor? :P Just kidding.

Jots

I'm so happy today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To you, thanks sooooo much. That email really meant a lot to me. Even thought of printing it out and putting it on my desk so I could read it everyday. :) Can't believe you said that, after all those complaints about me not being a good friend. I'll be coming after your invitation next April! ;)

And there's a Happy Hour on my birthday next week! Yay yay. I'll NOT drink like how I did in St. Louis. What stays in St Louis, happens in St Louis. Nope, that's not a typo. It's our version. I was kinda forced to drink in St Louis, so can't count that against me anyway. :P

One of my good friends is coming to celebrate with me. Whoop dee doo. And if all our plans go the way they are supposed to, maybe TWO of my good friends will come to Louisville next year! Wah, that would be sooooooooo fun. Maybe I'll get an apartment close to them, then we can play mahjong during weekends. Hehehehe.

Feels good to be on the other side

I went for a recruiting event last night.

5 university seniors and 5 full-time employees. We went bowling first and then had dinner at a pretty fancy restaurant. I couldn't understand almost half of the menu. Picked fish in the end since it's usually a pretty safe choice. The tiramisu was heavenly though. Not as good as the one I had in St. Louis. But still delicious. I love all tiramisu. Mmmmmm.

It felt a bit strange at first. For the past 1.5 years I've been the one going through the interviews, meeting full-timers for dinner, digging for good questions to ask them. All that while being nervous but trying to smile, be outgoing and friendly at the same time.

And now I get the questions thrown back at me. "How long have you worked here?" "How do you like working here?" "How's the city like?" "How's the study program?" I don't even remember what I answered.

It was so fun! I mean meeting all these soon-to-be graduates and seeing them all excited (and nervous maybe). Makes me feel all excited too. I can't even imagine why I was nervous last time. Because I was definitely DEFINITELY not out to pick bones with any of the candidates. I doubt any of us was. Then again, it's understandable for them to be nervous. My future's not on the line anymore.

I hope whoever gets an offer will accept it. All of them seem really nice. Meanwhile, I'm gonna see if I can ask to join more recruiting events. :D