My Christmas Day

When I woke up this morning, I spent a minute lying on my bed, wondering if I dreamt about all that happened last night.

Then I realized I didn't. That it was real. So I went back to sleep.

When I woke up next, again I thought if it was all a dream.

Again I realized it wasn't. But this time I got out of bed.

I didn't do much today. I figured I deserve a break. A whole day of planning to do nothing and sticking with the plan. Instead of planning to do something and end up not doing anything anyway.

So I did a Desperate Housewives marathon. Season 3 is pretty good. Much better than Season 2, though I still think Season 1 beats them all. Did 9 episodes today, 2 more left to go.

The day went by pretty quickly, watching the series kept my mind off some things. It still hit home everytime I stopped in between episodes though. But I'm glad for the way I spent the day. If I didn't mourn at all, I would be so worried about myself.

I wrote myself a letter today. Just in case days or weeks or maybe months from now, when I begin to forget, I can remind myself why this is the way it should be. It's stuck on my fridge door now, and I've read it three times. Not that I have forgotten, but it keeps me calm.

I feel a constant chill in my apartment. I don't know if it's because it's colder outside today or it's just me. The feeling that I always get when I'm on a rollercoaster that's about to plunge straight down? How my heart is just about to leap out of my body? I felt like that all day. But my heart won't leap out and let me be. It insists on staying put, tugging at me.

But I'll be fine. I am fine. Fine in the sense that I need to feel sad now so that I can feel happy next time. So don't ask me if I'm fine or not. Because you already know what I'll say. What else can I say? What would you say if I said I wasn't fine? I wouldn't know how to answer myself, so I won't put you through it.

Tomorrow I'm going to the office, even though it's still my vacation. I can't write my report in my apartment, and I really want to finish it. So let tomorrow come. And I'll deal with myself one day at a time.