April Fool!

Happy April Fool's Day!

Today has been more eventful than last year's. This morning at work, I got fooled by my friend and it wasn't until he said april fool that I realized what day it was. Then, I used his "see q" to bluff someone else, and that was GOOD! Haha! This is a guy who always bombed me so today I got my revenge. Haha. Birdman, never mind, from April 2 to March 31 you can bomb me without harm. =P Oh, and the best thing was, I even managed to escape from his comeback attempt, haha, his "sam pat"-ness made him give up his trick and listen to me talk instead. =P

But it hasn't been a nice day for some of my friends, so I hope they are feeling happier now. As the saying goes, "boat reach bridge head naturally straight".

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I was thinking about the story in "Love vs Marriage" (March 31, 2005) and wondering if that is absolutely, undeniably true. Must marriage be a compromise? Can't we marry our greatest love? And then I came to a conclusion.

Memories of a "great love" usually has an incomplete ending. And it is this lack of closure that makes it so enticing, it leads us to fantasize about what could have happened if certain circumstances did not occur to separate us. Look at those sappy romantic movies, someone leaves because he has to, and the girl is left dreaming of better days.

Maybe the relationship wasn't so great while we were in it, maybe there were things you absolutely could not stand. But once it ends, and especially before we stop loving each other, then every detail is glossed over. He was a strong but gentle boyfriend, she was tender and loving. You get the idea.

So even if you marry your greatest love, with time you may forget that he is the one and only for you. Close proximity for long periods of time brings out the worst in us, and soon you may find yourself dreaming of someone more "perfect" than the one you have now. Suddenly a past lover (who supposedly did not have the irksome habits of your current half) becomes your dream guy who got away.

Then what if you meet your "dream guy" again after marriage? Or even after you become attached to someone else? If love is about not appreciating what you have when you have it, what should you do if you do get a second chance?

Even if I do take a second chance, it will be an endless cycle of relationship hopping. I would forever be second guessing myself if he is the right one for me, and to what end? I agree with the story, you never know until it's gone. So why not appreciate the one you have now, and forget thoughts like "maybe there's someone else better out there"?

An eagle has flown far away, but as a friend once told me, other eagles will appear. Some black some white and some in between. =P But it doesn't mean that I have to fly as high as I can. Sometimes the best things in life can't be seen until you have both feet on the ground. And besides, hummingbirds get easily blown away by the wind if they fly too high.

Love vs Marriage

Here's something I found on my bro's bulletin board. Thought it was a pretty nice metaphor.

One day, Plato asked his teacher, "What is love? How can I find it?" His teacher answered, There is a vast wheat field in front. Walk forward without turning back, and pick only one talk. If you find the most magnificent stalk, then you have found love."

Plato walked forward, and before long, he returned with empty hands, having picked nothing. His teacher asked, Why did you not pick any stalk?"

Plato answered, "Because I could only pick once, and yet I could not turn back. I did find the most magnificent stalk, but did not know if there were any better ones ahead, so I did not pick it. As I walked further, the stalks that I saw were not as good as the earlier one, so I did not pick any in the end. His teacher then said, "And that is love."

On another day, Plato asked his teacher, "What is marriage? How can I Find it?" His teacher answered, "There is a thriving forest in front. Walk forward without turning back, and chop down only one tree. If you find the tallest tree, then you have found marriage".

Plato walked forward, and before long, he returned with a tree. The tree was not thriving, and it was not tall either. It was only an ordinary tree. His teacher asked, "Why did you chop down such an ordinary tree?"

Plato answered, "Because of my previous experience. I had walked through the field, but returned with empty hands. This time, I saw this tree, and I felt that it was not bad, so I chopped it down and brought it back. I did not want to miss the opportunity."

His teacher then said, "And that is marriage. You see son, Love is the most beautiful thing to happen to a person, its an opportunity but you don't realize its worth when you have it but only when its gone like the field of stalks. Marriage is like the tree you chopped, it's a compromise."

Missing friends

Why is it that right after I write one blog entry, I will suddenly feel like writing another one?

Anyway I have decided that this space is gonna be my diary, and if everything goes as planned, there should be an entry per day, unless it's an ultra boring day, or if it's too personal.. hehe.

Been feeling weird today, don't know why. For no particular reason, too, it's just a general feeling. I think it's probably because I've been so happy the past 2 days, so I have to feel a bit off today to balance things.

Am also thinking back to all my friends that I rarely contact anymore. *sigh* All this school-hopping that I've done for the past 4 years is not good for friendships. Can't seem to stay in a place long enough to make many really really close friends. Plus, I don't like writing emails and my replies are extremely sporadic, so how to keep in contact leh? Which reminds me, I need to reply two people ASAP.

I miss the animal & vegetable gang. Now there's mamak back home WITHOUT me. How unfair is that? With the time difference, I don't even see most of the gang online anymore. Well, I guess we've drifted apart since we left high school. What with people spending more time with their other halves (I take the blame!), going to different colleges, different states / countries or working full-time, it's just hard to find time when all of us are free. But I just want you people to know, there'll ALWAYS be the animal & vege gang, and we MUST meet up when I go back yah?

There are other people that I wanna talk about. Friends I met after I left M'sia, who, in their own way, brought something unique to my life. I miss you foxy, for putting up with me in JC2, for going shopping with me, for your good food and for listening. I need a roommate like you here, no wait, I want you to be my roommate again. =)

Okay before I go on, I must clarify something. I'm NOT saying my future roommate is bad okay? I think it's gonna be fun rooming with "kacang", but me saying the last sentence in the previous paragraph has no bearing on what I think of my future roommate. Anyway, "kacang" will appear again later in this blog. =P

Also wanna say I miss you iceduckling! Hehe, I know you read my blog, and I keep missing you online, so just want to tell you here. One of the few "out strong inside gentle" gals in my life. Had an awesome time in Hong Kong with ya. Remember Edison Chen and "ding dong"? ;) I hope everything's working out wonderfully for you!

Another "out strong inside gentle" gal I met in Grinnell. My ex-roommie! Okay, I owe you one super-long email for being so late. I miss you, too! Was fun living with you, remember when everyone thought "weird" about you and me.. haha. We need to play charades at least once! Mebbe when I visit you in Grinnell some day.. wonder when that would happen?

Last but not least, my fellow Drakulians! Haha, this is what I named the group of Drake students on my MSN. I don't miss them now, since I see them EVERYDAY in class and for dinner. But I just want to tell other people about the M'sians (& non-M'sians) here. Oh, and I just realized that there's almost an animal group here, except it was inspired by the bird story so doesn't really count. And the animals are made up by miss "kacang". Anyway, I think there's 5-6 of us here that hang out a lot, and we are very "ngam key".

hmm.. so the people I've mentioned are mostly gals. Doesn't mean I don't miss my guy friends. But since a certain person might read my blog, you all "heart know stomach clear" can lah hor? ;) we are FRIENDS only ah.

Okay, I need to sleep, even though it's only 10.42 pm here. I have to wake up at 6.45 am tomorrow. Have to go work. It's worth it, though. Good night!

Weather gal

It's gonna be April! And it's time for another spring! Having established that I am a weather gal, which means my mood is strongly affected by the weather, it's been a happy 2 days for me this week. The sun is up, the temperature is in the 70s, and I get to wear skirts. Not warm enough for bikinis, though, not like I would have worn one anyway.

I wonder if this mood swing is typical of Sagittarians, since another Archer has just agreed that this happens to him, too. I get depressed during winter, preferring to hide indoors most of the time and generally not being very energetic. By March, I'm completely ecstatic, laughing and enjoying anything that comes my way.

This happened last spring, too. Is it because the weather is getting better, or that it takes me until spring to feel more belonging to the new place I'm in? Or is it because I'm happier during spring that I become more sociable, and so I meet new friends and establish closer relationships with existing ones?

I probably won't know the answer until next spring, since I'll be in the same college again next year. One thing's for sure, after this June, I'll definitely be looking forward to next spring.

Finale

(continued from The Eagle & The Hummingbird, March 7, 2005)

Shelly looked up. It was a beautiful morning, the sun was shining and the pale blue sky was dotted with fluffs of cottony clouds. Squirrels were scampering across the field, chasing one another from one tree to the next. Flowers were beginning to blossom everywhere, and there hadn't been any sign of snow for weeks. Shelly smiled. Spring had arrived.

Unfortunately, Shelly had no time to linger. She had to finish an assignment, which she conveniently forgot until she woke up this morning, 3 hours before the deadline. To make things worse, it was turning out to be harder than she expected. This morning, Shelly rushed to the library the minute the doors opened, hurriedly grabbing books for her research.

She ran back as fast as possible, stopping for a brief moment to inhale the sweet scent of spring. "Tulips!", she thought with joy, spotting her favorite flowers in the garden near her dorm entrance. Grumbling to herself, Shelly reluctantly peeled her eyes off the purple flowers and raced up to her room.

No sooner had she opened the first book, then Shelly heard a familiar noise outside her room. "Oh no, not again", she moaned, "how many times does he have to do that?". Thoroughly exasperated, Shelly leaned out her window and yelled, "Shut up you freak! It's 7am! Go to SLEEEEEP!!"

The noise stopped, temporarily. Cursing under her breath, Shelly tried to concentrate on her work. The research was interesting, to her at least, noone else understood what Shelly found fascinating about biology. But, even she couldn't deny that the assignments were tough. And this time she had to write a 3-page paper on animal behavior.

Deciding to take the easy way out, Shelly turned to the most convenient source for information, the Internet. She Googled for her topic, "hummingbirds". Within seconds, she found what she needed. Relieved, Shelly leaned back on her chair, savoring the moment. Something caught her eye. It was a link to somebody's blog.

"Why not? I've got time to spare", Shelly thought. She clicked on the link and read the girl's diary. The more she read, the more Shelly was struck with disbelief. As soon as she finished the last word, Shelly raced out of her room, through the dorm hallway, down the stairs and out the door.

And exactly as she expected, she found him. There he was, the owl that disrupted her sleep with his hooting, the owl she yelled at every morning. But it wasn't him that she wanted to look for. "Where are you?", Shelly wondered. She looked more carefully, using the owl as her guide. And she finally saw her among the tulips. For a brief moment, Shelly saw.. the little hummingbird.

At that instant, Shelly understood the owl. Contrary to what she knew about owls, this owl didn't return to his perch in the morning after his nightly forage. But he wasn't a freak as Shelly had thought. The owl was just spending time with the hummingbird.

Shelly looked up. This time she wasn't looking at the dawn of early spring. She scanned the skies for a long time, and then she knew, that there was no eagle now. Only the owl and the hummingbird.

THE END

Déjà Vu

Is it just me, or is it spring fever?

Someone asked me why I chose to write the "bird story" now, when the waves are finally subdued, and the thunderstorm has passed. Jokingly, I said I finally thought of a reasonable metaphor for the entire episode. But the question got me thinking, after all this time, why now?

I knew the answer all along, I just didn't realize it. Like it or not, Spring 2005 is painted, in broad strokes, with the same colors of Spring 2004. There are other hues in my palette of events this semester, especially actuarial-related activities; but there is also a familiar theme to it all.

With amusement, I noticed the similarity of both; with trepidation, I watched each day unfold. Is it because I wanted to see the pattern, that I found a traceable pattern? Or is it really happening?

Déjà vu has struck, and it has made me relive the memories of a year ago. As uninvited as it may be, I'm hoping that, by the end of this semester, the unwritten finale will unfold itself.

The Eagle & The Hummingbird

(continued from The Owl & The Hummingbird, Feb 27)

Perhaps hoping to find salvation from her doubts, the hummingbird embarked on a journey of self-discovery. She traveled far, further than she had ever flown, to a land never before seen by hummingbirds. She met many strange creatures, saw many breathtaking sights and darted among many unknown flowers.

Of her memories of that foreign land, one particularly stood out, not just because it was memorable, but for the ripples that this experience produced in her lake of troubles. It was a memory that will remain while almost all else fades, for it brought her closure in an unexpected way. Neither entirely joyful, nor entirely sad; it was, at the very least, a memory with a question.

She met an eagle.

An eagle not like any other, but an eagle who taught her to soar high above the clouds; an eagle who showed her another view of the world, not just peeking between the most alluring flowers, but from above the tallest trees; an eagle with a completely different way of living.

The hummingbird was enthralled. At that moment, she wanted to leave everything behind. Innocently, she thought she could start afresh in that new place, where noone knew her past, and noone cared.

Back home, the owl knew something was going very wrong. The hummingbird had promised him that she would return after one week. A week went by but there was no sign of her. Thinking that she might be delayed and hoping for the best, the owl patiently waited. When ten days passed without a trace of the hummingbird, the owl decided to search for her.

Soon, the owl also arrived at that strange land. When the hummingbird revealed her intentions, the owl was crushed. He tried to make her realize what a big mistake she was making. Despite her protests, the owl insisted on remaining with the hummingbird until she was willing to return.

The hummingbird's journey was proving to be a bigger dilemma. Instead of easing her worries, her trip brought more doubts. In a foreign land with strangers, the hummingbird had noone else to turn to but herself. She thought long and hard, her mind working like a pendulum, swinging from one decision to another.

She knew, by now, how much the owl truly loved her. And she wondered if she would ever find another bird who loved her as much as the owl did.

She wondered if she would ever find another bird who would understand her as well as the owl did, or another bird that she would understand just as she understood the owl.

She wondered if she was taking a worthwhile risk.

And all through her wonders, there was that one question that made her memory what it was.

"To stay or not to stay?"

(continued in Finale, March 19, 2005)